slave sh*t.....not literally :D

sometimes i have this craving to be more than just a sub. i did the slave gig for 2 maybe 3 weeks. it didn't work for me, not with this particular person anyway. at the time i was thinking it would be that way with everyone which is silly of course because just like D/s relationships everyone is different in what they want and need. just a matter of finding the right fit.

the problem i have over and over again is someone walking into my life and trying to take control of everything before they know anything about me or my life. generally they have no regard for the realities of my everyday existence such as having to do my school work, pic up my kids etc., etc.

i end up stressed out of my mind and i dump them.

at first i thought there was something wrong with me i think. i dunno. bottom line is i have to finish school and if someone thinks i should put them before school then it isn't going to work, not if i start failing.

you can talk about you're the master and i shouldn't care about anything else blah blah. well that may be all well and good after you've spent 2 yrs nurturing me and the relationship and developed trust and love etc. but how long does anyone truly think i'm going to keep someone around who can make my life worse in under 3weeks?? or worse yet in under 3 days. i'm not stupid. i'm not going to let some stranger walk into my life and f*ck everything up.

i think the other thing they don't bother to learn is that my life is just barely manageable for me now. i've never had to look after myself, ever. imagine being 18, leaving home and having to immediately look after 2 children, a myriad of animals, go to uni, look after a house, cook and deal with being an addict. i've never done it. it's a constant challenge to keep on top of everything, to try and maintain some kind of balance and reprioritize on a daily basis.

ok granted i have the benefit of 20 more years of life experience and a few years of counseling that an 18 yr old wouldn't have, but you get the idea.

i finally said to the last person i was with, when they were berating me for not being enough of something they felt i should be, you do realize i'm an addict right? and if you push me too far i could easily go jump off the nearest bridge? that shut them up. i don't think he had any idea who i was.

i don't think enough Masters/Doms, whatever you want to call yourself, truly accept and understand the responsibility of taking on such a role in someone's life. you're f*cking with someone's head, who in all likelihood is already f*cked in the head, especially when you get into the extremes such as Master/slave tpe stuff.

believe me, it takes some f*cked up past history to be drawn to those wanting that much control in your life. the question is do you act on it or try to change it. my counselors and sponsor are trying to help me change it.