Bulimia

It's taken me more than a year since i last posted here about puking to stop doing it. I didn't really comprehend that i had been doing it for so long till i just read what i wrote.

It's been 7 weeks now since i puked. Stopping the puking has a funny side effect. I stopped bingeing. When you can't puke it stops you from allowing yourself to get uncomfortably full. That part is a little scary for me. Everyone gets a little too full once in a blue moon. If i get like that the urge to puke is huge. So i'm careful not to get too full these days.

It's been a long time..

but i need somewhere to write. I don't want to put this stuff on paper. I'm already stressed by the journals i have laying around the house but won't throw away and I don't want to write somewhere where people know me. So... instead of starting yet another blog somewhere i thought here was as good a place as any.

The only problem is... i'm not the same person i was when i started this blog.

Oh well... i suppose it will always be a part of me.

Wow do i ever feel like crap. I have lost interest in pretty well everything.

I crashed.

Can't take the rejection i think. Psycho ex showing up whenever the f*ck he feels like it. Then talking about getting back together but disappearing after we f*ck? Like wtf is that? It's one thing to be told to your face but to prevent all contact and saying nothing. Not answering emails, not answering phone. That's just brutal man. No explanation, no nothing. Nothing..................
.....................................................................
...........................just silence..............................

I hook up with ex bf i guess to help with the rejection of psycho ex and yet ex bf is rejecting me just the same. The only difference being he is kinder and gentler and more honest about it... and he will still have sex with me on a semi regular basis if i want it.

I f*cked an old f*ck buddy i haven't seen in forever. Nice guy but same story... just wants a f*ck.

I took a break for awhile. Then i hooked up with ex bf again. The next day i hooked up with a stranger. A stranger in that i've never met him before that day. We'd been talking for awhile. I haven't done that for awhile. It's not really a good idea for me because it's not very likely he will want any thing besides sex from me... more rejection.

I guess the only positive thing i can say is that they weren't total strangers... and most i actually knew.

In between all this i've been bingeing and puking.

I don't know what the hell i'm not wanting to feel. I don't know what's going on except it's how i learned to cope after giving up the lifestyle and security i knew.

Eating Disorders
Eating disorders are characterized by severe disturbances in eating behavior. The practice of an eating disorder can be viewed as a survival mechanism. Just as an alcoholic uses alcohol to cope, a person with an eating disorder can use eating, purging or restricting to deal with their problems. Some of the underlying issues that are associated with an eating disorder include low self-esteem, depression, feelings of loss of control, feelings of worthlessness, identity concerns, family communication problems and an inability to cope with emotions. The practice of an eating disorder may be an expression of something that the eating disordered individual has found no other way of expressing. Eating disorders are usually divided into three categories: Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa and Compulsive Overeating.

Bulimia Nervosa
Bulimics are caught in the devastating and addictive binge-purge cycle. The Bulimic eats compulsively and then purges through self-induced vomiting, use of laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, ipecac, strict diets, fasts, chew-spitting, vigorous exercise, or other compensatory behaviors to prevent weight gain. Binges usually consist of the consumption of large amounts of food in a short period of time. Binge eating usually occurs in secret. Bulimics, like Anorexics, are also obsessively involved with their body shape and weight. The medical complications of the binge-purge cycle can be severe and like Anorexia can be fatal.

"Willpower alone does not work,

.....because it’s a disease."

Millions of Americans suffer from an eating disorder. Their lives are controlled by food. Gaining or losing weight becomes the focus of their existence. They often feel guilty, isolated, depressed and ashamed. They may be compulsively overeating, binge purging, or starving themselves. All of them have one thing in common - they are suffering from an eating disorder which can be fatal if left untreated. With professional support, lifelong recovery and freedom from an eating disorder can be achieved. The key to recovery is to understand the cause of the self-destructive behavior and to acquire the tools to facilitate the necessary changes.

It's not your fault.
You're not alone.
We can help.

We believe that the eating disorder has acted as a survival mechanism to help the individual cope with their life. For this reason, we not only address the mistaken beliefs but also teach each individual new coping techniques to handle life's situations.

conversation with a friend............

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
hi

sluttygrl says:
hi

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
hey you

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
how are you

sluttygrl says:
pretty bad day

sluttygrl says:
how are you

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
pretty bad day why?

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
im aight

sluttygrl says:
psycho ex ... again *sigh*

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
what happened?

sluttygrl says:
saw him about a month ago i think

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
yeah...we talked since then...you had sex with him.....and hadnt heard from him since

sluttygrl says:
he logged on msn last night

sluttygrl says:
i asked him to talk to me

sluttygrl says:
he logged off

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
why

sluttygrl says:
won't answer phone

sluttygrl says:
etc etc

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
you need to ignore him

sluttygrl says:
same today

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
forget about him

sluttygrl says:
i know...i know

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
move on...

sluttygrl says:
i know

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
remember....he wasnt the nicest guy to you

sluttygrl says:
it's insane

sluttygrl says:
i know

sluttygrl says:
*sigh*

sluttygrl says:
i'm so stupid

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
he is not a guy you would want around your girls.

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
and i know you know all this.....

sluttygrl says:
very true

sluttygrl says:
i'm deleting everything


sluttygrl says:
everywhere he knows me i'm deleting

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
so just like smoking.....drugs....alcohol.....

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
move on....leave all that stuff behind

sluttygrl says:
i know.. zero tolerance..he's gotta go

sluttygrl says:
no dabbling

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
nope

sluttygrl says:
i've been fucked for a month since i saw him

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
i know its easy for me to say...and you have to actually do it...but look.....

sluttygrl says:
i'm listening...

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
look where you got yourself to

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
your nursing again....clean.....

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
you put your life back on the important list

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
you have lots going on now...and you have made it all happen

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
think about the success story behind all this really?

sluttygrl says:
you're right

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
where you came from...how low shit got in your life.....and now how your life has changed so much more for the better

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
your now nursing and have other people to take care of....you have people relying on you with their lives....thats pretty amazing

sluttygrl says:
*smile*

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
seriously think of all that you have gone through and done to get to where y ou are now

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
it has been a huge long emotion journey...but you made it.....

sluttygrl says:
yes it has

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
you have your own place...your on your own....you have your kids.....and your able to live

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
self supportive....thats been along time for that

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
you gotta be pretty proud of yourself.....

xxxxx@hotmail.com says:
like really