i thought i was okay till someone poked me and i started crying..

poked meaning take your finger and stick it in my arm for those of you wondering. it's a little thing one of my friends says sometimes..

i'd be sitting outside a meeting with one of my best friends while she had a smoke and the obligatory "how're you doing" would be exchanged to which i'd respond by bursting out crying..two seconds later i'd be laughing and telling her i thought i was fine until she asked..

honest to G*d i dunno how many times that's happened to me over the last couple years. i think i'm fine until someone says something seemingly harmless and i break out crying like i've just been told my dog died.

as a result one of my guy friends is always saying something like..oh sure you're fine as long as no one pokes you. something like that.

i guess someone just poked me.

i almost missed mydamnself's one comment. i've never bothered going back and checking comments on old posts on this blog but i caught this one and now i can't stop crying.

i dunno..

i've known some of the sex sh*t wasn't right. it's one thing to f*ck around in early recovery cause you're too sick to do anything else but i've got some time in now and what i'm doing is going to take me downhill very fast if i continue.

i've spilled my sh*t at meetings, to my sponsor, to my bestfriend's in the program and even my bestfriend outside the program but you think i'm gonna say anything about taking money for sex? not a chance. if that doesn't tell me it's not right nothing will.

i've been brutally honest to my friends. i've had nothing to hide, nothing i felt i had to hide..until now.

it's one thing to be a whore while you're using and f*cked up but to start doing it after is an entirely different thing..i think.

i dunno..i'm not stupid..i know it's going to f*ck me up but i just buried my head in the sand cause i wanted the money really badly. G*d it was so damn f*cking easy and so much money for doing so little. that's the problem when you've been abused..you have this belief in your head that you been through worse what's a little more and f*ck they're even paying you to be abused.

i dunno how i thought i was going to continue getting healthy with all that sh*t in the background. i guess i thought i could live two seperate lives like i always have.

i'm still seeing bf. can you imagine what he'd think if he knew i'd slept with someone for money while i was seeing him? for normal people it's just unthinkable.

the other thing that's been lurking around my head lately is the company i've been keeping. i have this hard and fast rule..i don't hang out with druggies or drunks or smokers..cause guess what? if i do i'm gonna be using again. i know this..f*ck i've said it over and over again in meetings..if i hang with druggies i'll be a druggie. maybe not at first..maybe it will take a few weeks or a few months..but eventually i'll give in and say f*ck it. well i been hanging with people that think it's okay to whore women out. it turns them on. guess what i've been doing?

it's amazing how quickly i've gone from being "normal" online and having good boundaries to this insanity. i got a friend paying me for vid sex..a guy paying me for real sex. j*sus chr*st i never would have guessed this is where i'd end up. and for me..the quick, easy money may as well be f*cking crack. i don't do it cause it turns me on like so many people think. i do it cause i don't give a sh*t about myself or what you do to me and i sure as hell don't give a sh*t about you. so if you say you're gonna pay me to hit me and f*ck me up the ass what the f*ck do i care as long as you leave me a couple hundred bucks. hell i been doing it for free why not get paid for it. it's all f*cking bullsh*t anyway.

it all gets so mixed up in my head. at first i can't even have sex with anyone else cause it's not my psycho ex. then i'm crying when i have sex with other men. then i'm having sex with just about anybody cause i don't give a sh*t anymore. i guess. i dunno.

why have i puked up everything i ate the last 6 days straight? i haven't done that in probably two years..not EVERY nite for 6 nites in a row. it's usually sporadic. what does that tell me? something is f*cked. something ain't workin for me.

spending time with bf may be boring as all f*cking hell but at least it's real and it's sane. i just wish i could feel something for him.