ya know it's kinda scary when.....

you ask your counselor if anyone similar to yourself in similar circumstances has ever reacted the same way as you when it comes to an exbf and the answer is well yea but not for nearly as long.

even scarier is when you ask why she thinks you've hung on this long and she says she doesn't know. alrighty then..hmmmm. hell if she doesn't know i sure as f*ck don't.

she suspects it's to do with fear. fear of this new life of mine..not believing i can be happy alone or without a man. she thinks i am so close to the edge and stepping off into a new and healthy life that just as i am about to do it i look down an' go..nu uh..and run back to exbf.

she wouldn't think i was so healthy if she read this f*cking blog..hehe..actually i doubt it would surprise her..i've told her pretty well everything over the last couple years. one of exbf's last orders was..and tell ur counselor everything cause how's she supposed to help you if you keep deciding what's important and what's not urself. so i did.

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told her about the recent phone contact i'd had with him. he admitted to not being totally over me..something he rarely does. it doesn't mean sh*t. we're still not getting back together but it makes me feel good. counselor asked me if i didn't already know he wasn't over me..that obviously with a relationship that intense of course he would still be healing from it just as i was. still i somehow felt better hearing it from him.

it is just so strange to want someone that you know will bring absolute chaos into your life and yet still want them..to be willing to take that on just to get back the good parts.

she's right..i am very close to the edge..i can feel it. i've even been thinking about getting rid of the group. i don't feel like getting rid of the blog..i can be honest here about alot of things i can't be honest about elsewhere..but much of it won't hold people's attention cause they want explicit and sometimes graphic sexual content.. .. which makes sense of course because that was the original intent of it all.

well i guess time will tell..i'm not getting rid of it today..that's for damn sure..


.....besides i still have to tell you about the spanking i got yesterday