the powers of the universe

i tell ya..you'd better be real careful before you start asking the powers of the universe to help you out..cause they just f*cking might and they won't ever go away once you invite them into your life.

it's been a few years now since i lay in bed day after day praying to whoever was listening to please help me. i don't remember ever doing that cause i was involved in sh*t that i figured made null and void any previous agreement some higher power had to help me. in fact, i thought it best to just keep a very low profile when it came to higher powers. the less attention i attracted the better.

.....but.....there came that day that i suppose comes for most people that decide they're not going to live by all the rules normal people live by. f*ck the rules..f*ck morals..f*ck ethics and integrity..lets just do what i want to do when i want to do it with whoever i want to do it with if it feels good. sex, drugs and rocknroll..yeeehaa.

my decisions resulted in having to live through three months of absolute hell. nothing i've gone through and nothing i will ever go through will be as bad as those three months as long as nothing ever happens to my kids. although, there were months to follow in the next year or two that came damn close.

it's hard to believe that anyone can end up in a place so low that you turn to a G*d that you've chosen not to believe in for years, chosen to pretend doesn't exist in the hopes that if there is a G*d he won't notice you cause you're breaking all the rules.

...and i'm not talking about rules rules..i'm talking about lying and cheating so many times that there's just nothing left you..there's nothing you wouldn't do or haven't done.

i prayed and i prayed for someone..anyone to get me out of the HELL i'd created. i didn't care how or why or what..just get me the f*ck out of this mess..PLEEEASE.

it started out very slowly and small..and gradually became bigger and more apparent until somethings were unmistakably the work of something bigger than myself.

all these months i've been writing this sh*t.. why now does someone start making comments that shake me up? why tonight did my sponsor email me for the first time in the two years i've known her? why did i get kicked off the personal's site i was hanging on for inappropriate behavior?

maybe it's nothing..maybe it's just coincidence. i don't know. i don't think so. i think help comes when you are ready to take it. i don't need the same help i did a few years ago. i already have the people, the support and the skills i need to make it..now i just need leading back occasionally to the path i was on when things were working for me and i was getting healthier. most people say insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.....i say insanity is knowing what works and trying something else.

i took one huge f*cking detour this time. i hope this is the end to it.

f*ck if you could read what my sponsor just emailed me you'd think she could read my f*cking mind and had recording devices planted throughout my home. it's f*cking
freaky.

i just remembered i prayed about the whole sex thing last night. j*sus that was a quick response.

..... You are not the woman your were when I met you and I have seen lots of progress. So remember that when you are doing things you should not be doing because you deserve so much more. .....

my sponsor

how the f*ck does she know i've been doin sh*t i shouldn't be doin???