..i feel like crap....

...not sure why... i had a good day yesterday..got a lot done..don't feel like doin sh~t today..

.....had a dream i got back with my old boyfriend last night...the one i was in love with and the only person i've ever been in love with..guess that could do it...been thinking too much about him lately..

..my heart tells me i still want him...my head tells me... he tried to kill you duhhhhhhhhhh...

.....the day i realised i still wanted to be with him in spite of the abuse was the first time in my life i knew there was something very wrong with me..i went into counseling shortly after that..

..always two sides to any coin though..he could be the most amazingly sweet guy..he wrote me stuff i will never get out of my head...he knew all my sh~t and totally accepted me for who i am..he pulled me outta all the bullsh~t i was involved in at the time..he was there for me 24/7 whatever i needed..he destroyed anyone who tried to hurt me..there were no half measures...you hurt him or his family and he didn't warn you..he destroyed you so you wouldn't even think of doing it again..unfortunately there came a point where he turned that on me....up until then he'd been the only person who had ever protected me..ironic that he turned into the one person i truly needed protecting from..and i still want him......