just stuff

one of my animals is really sick... :( . i'm never going to be done my assignments for tomorrow. i don't even feel like trying.

an old, old bf of mine is contacting me again. well i suppose originally i contacted him when things got crazy and i left last bf couple years ago. hell i think i contacted every exbf i ever had. i felt really lucky and very grateful that they all still cared and were there for me when i needed them. and man did i need them and everyone else i knew to get through that f*cking hell that i created.

anyway, so bf before exbf is contacting me, if we're talking longterm bf's that is. it's tempting to find some comfort with someone that cares and who i have a history with but right now it just all hurts to hear how he's feelin. he still feels about me the way i feel about my last bf and it's just a reminder of things i don't want to be reminded of.

at first it was good. he went through the same thing with me that i went through with last ex so he was able to help me figure out how to get through it somewhat. slightly different situations but basics were the same, how do you get over someone you're still completely in love with but can't be with.

i still don't really know what the deal is. was it an addict thing where i was addicted to the relationship like some people have tried to tell me or maybe it was because it was the first time i'd ever been in love unlike most people that fall in love for the first time when they are teenagers and many times following, learning from experience that you get over it eventually. i still don't really believe i will ever get over it.

i trust what people tell me, the counselors, friends, sponsor..the abusive stuff is addictive. they tell me that sexual abuse creates this atmosphere, an atmosphere that involves being constantly on guard, an adrenaline rush much of the time. you get used to it. in fact life can start to feel boring without it. that's why so many people end up addicted to something, drugs, sex , gambling, all of the above, whatever.

it didn't really make sense at first. how could you like having your life threatened or be addicted to that type of treatment. then i really thought about it and i realised there was this excitement about never really knowing what was going to happen from one minute to the next. i mean i never truly believed he was going to kill me. well when it was actually happening i might have believed and for a time after that but it went away.

i recognized with my last real time Master that i was actually getting a rush out of not really knowing how mad he at me for doing something he didn't like and not knowing what he was going to do to me. i trusted he wouldn't do anything that would truly damage me but there was still this edge to it. i was never sure he wouldn't make me do something i really didn't want to do.

my sponsor was funny the other week. she was talking about addicts and non addicts and how as a recovering addict she still gets these cravings to go to the edge. doesn't matter what it is. sex, drugs, recreation, there's always this desire to go as close to the edge as possible without falling off. she said ask someone normal if they wanna go to the edge with you and they'll look at you like you're nuts and say hell no i don't wanna go to the f*cking edge.

i'm tired. don't wanna finish this now.