i hate being fat... sex sh*t

f*ck this thing is slow today.

i hate being fat. it is just no fun being a fat slut. i'm down 20lbs. i figure i have at least 40 to go. probably more like 50 and if i get to 50 i'll try for 70, which would be 90 total. okay f*ck that's alot. forget that i think i'll just deal with the next 20lbs.

being single and fat really sux. being attached and fat is not good either, but there is something just not fair about being single and fat..especially if you used to be ripped and attached.

i really can't blame anyone else. i did it to myself. i did it in response to what was going on in my life at the time. two men i loved were trying to destroy each other and in the process me. i think i ate to try and escape from the pain of it all and maybe somewhere deep down i wanted them both to stop wanting me so the insanity would stop. it didn't work. i just got fat and neither of them cared.

it's really hard to behave normally when you feel so unattractive. i can't help it. there is just nothing appealing about being fat to me, either about myself or others. i was sexually abused by someone old and fat. i think that accounts for my preference for younger, ripped guys. which really sux when you're old and fat...lol. although i must say there are a lot of little boys(over 18yrs old for the record) out there that like older women and they don't seem to care that i'm fat. not that that makes me feel much better. it's me that hates it.

i tend to meet guys i'm not crazy about cause it's safer. i don't want to be rejected by the ones i really like. stupid eh? i've just gone through so much pain the last few years i don't want anymore. not even the tiniest little piece. my counselor laughs over my obsession with being fat and always says to me.."you know caile it's not just fat people that like fat people". i think she's calling me fat...lol. all i know is i need to get back into good shape so i can be normal again. okay i was never normal but so i can regain a little of my lost self esteem.

i dunno maybe it's safer this way for awhile. i would be such a bigger slut if i got back into shape again. there was really nothing i wouldn't do when i looked good.

an old Dom friend of mine, a real sweetie..now there's two things you don't expect to find together.....anyway He had a Domme friend. He met me at her house one day. i'd never met her before. He'd been teaching Her a thing or two. when i got there He met me at the door. She was no where to be seen at that point. He told me to strip naked and i did. He tied my hands behind my back and blindfolded me. He led me over to a couch in the corner and had me bend over the end of it. He spanked me hard for awhile. He always did like to spank me hard and for a long time. my ass was always black and blue after seeing Him. the first time i met Him and he spanked me i couldn't figure out what was dripping down my leg, i thought i'd peed myself and later came to realise my c*nt dripping wet from the spanking he gave me.

after he spanked me he put nipple clamps on me and led me into the bedroom. i suppose he touched me and played with me in between the more memorable stuff but it's all a bit of a blur for me now. don't suppose being blindfolded helped..no visual memories to help me out.

i can't remember too many details about what happened next. i think he spanked me some more, used a flogger on me and then Mistress came in. the rest is a blur of pain and pleasure, of them taking turns spanking me and playing with my c*nt and tits and ass..Mistress sitting on my face and making me lick and suck her c*nt..my Dom friend making her lick and suck my c*nt while he spanked her ass.

i DON'T forget what it was like when he finally took the nipple clamps off. i still had my hands tied behind my back and he went to touch my nipples after he took them off and i just about hit the ceiling.

He used to give me sh*t for not complaining when something was REALLY uncomfortable or really, really hurt. i didn't think i was allowed to complain...lol. He used to laugh at me and tell me i had to tell Him when something was really bad..like when something was hurting me that he didn't intend to have hurt me sorta thing.

i've never told people when they are hurting me, dentists, doctors, hairdressers..i just sit quietly and put up with it even if it gets really bad and they aren't supposed to be hurting me. i don't know why that is. it's not like i enjoy it. there's just this part of me that says..put up with it..it will be over soon. just like when i was sexually assaulted as an adult. i let the guy do it. i could have tried to stop him but this part of me just said..oh well you've been through worse and you're ok..it will be over soon. it's something that feels like such a normal part of myself, something that has always been there, i didn't realise that it wasn't normal. something really f*cked up has to happen before you open your eyes and look at it and consciously recognize there is something wrong with you.

anyway back to the sex, the rest is another big blur of licking and sucking on Him then Her then them on me and spanking and whipping etc, etc. it ended when they fucked me with a champagne bottle full of champagne while they spanked and whipped me. then he made her suck it out of my c*nt. well actually it ended when it made me bleed. i bleed really easily from excessive dildo use in my c*nt or whatever else someone decides to use in me. i don't know why. i cum an awful lot from it though.

it freaked them out a little so they stopped and put me in the shower and we all got dressed.

this was a few years ago now, 4 maybe 5. i still sometimes talk to Him. He'd like me to come back but i don't know, it's the past and i don't know if i want to go back there. it's tempting. i've had lunch with him a couple times recently and it is like taking a break from the insanity to just have someone that knew me before the craziness hold me and talk to me and comfort me.