the whole submissive thing..

sometimes i wonder about that. it all seems so contradictory at times. to be submissive and yet at the same time want to challenge Someone when they try to take control. well that probably answers half the question..when They try to take control as opposed to taking what is being offered to Them by me. that makes no sense. i think i need a good hard spanking.

i think for me the answer is similar to the answer to a question i read this morning here about why someone submissive would challenge a Dominant.

......At any rate, I've been trying to
clarify what service and submission mean to me, and I get stuck on the
issue of 'being good.' That is to say, when I bottom I simultaneously
want
to be a good obedient boy at the same time that I feel insolent urges. I
think this is a sign that I strongly desire to be taken down and put in
my
place; perhaps this is a function of bottoming to people who do not
elicit
deeper submission? I would very much appreciate your thoughts on this,
broad though it is.
Thank you,

Thankyou for your question, a broad one but a good one...for starters,
you are not alone in that kind of need, One boi I know likes the "take down".
Also, the odd times that I bottom, I need it too. I personally think
some of it has alot to do with the fact that you want to be good for
that Top, but, only if they are strong enough to put you there and be
worth the submission you will give when "put in your place". It is kind
of a "prove you are worthy to handle my vulnerability to you" thing.

prove you are strong enough to handle me..yep that would be it for me. so many people question what i am because i won't lay down and die for just anyone. that's not how it works for me. it never has.

..but once i belong to Someone, truly belong to Someone i will lay down and die for Them, literally, and in my heart i will most likely always belong to Them even if They are no longer in my life.

i know i have to be very careful who i give that much power to because there will come a point where They will be able to destroy me if They wish.

my last partner came close both physically and emotionally. when i found myself tied up by my wrists in His windowless basement it wasn't because He held me down to do it. yes He dragged me down there by my hair, pinned me to the wall with one hand around my neck, lifting me up and choking me, telling me he didn't have a good reason to let me live that day.

i can't remember exactly what happened next except that He told me to get on my knees and give Him my arms. i did what He told me to do. i trusted Him even though He was in a rage. He pulled my arms out to the side and tied them and then ripped my clothes off.

like i said i don't remember every detail, i just remember that shortly after He had me tied He took a paddle and hit me with it as hard as He possibly could. the first time He hit me i knew i was in big trouble.

it wasn't until He told me He was going to phone everyone i knew and cared about so they could listen to me scream while He beat me that i panicked. i didn't care what He did to me but He could not involve the people who cared about me. i didn't want them to know how f*cked up the person i loved with all my heart and soul was.

i'm almost certain part of that was knowing there would be no going back if He did that. my family and friends would not accept Him if He did what he said he was going to do. i just didn't want anyone to know. it was fixable as long as He didn't involve anyone else.

as soon as He went and got a phone i shut up. it didn't matter how hard He hit me i wouldn't make a sound. i wouldn't even talk to beg him to let me go and continue telling Him i was sorry in case he had dialed someone. all my attention was focused on getting free. to my shock i eventually did get free. part of the setup he had me tied to snapped and i was able to release my other wrist. i don't know how that happened, i'm just grateful that it did.

He was still in a rage and kept me locked in the basement for a long time after that. when i really think about it i guess i was still very scared and just wanted to get the hell out of there. it's funny how when something is over though and you didn't get killed that it isn't scary anymore. i know how it ended. He didn't kill me so the fear is forgotten.

i stayed with Him after that for a long time and buried the whole episode where i keep all those kinds of memories locked away. He never tied me up again after that night.

it's a weird thing to realise how much i loved the bruises he left on me that night. i was black and blue and He could hardly stand to see me naked for weeks. i could see the guilt and sadness on His face everytime He saw those bruises. it's fascinating to me that something in my life has made it possible for me to enjoy seeing the results of His abuse.

i've only let one person tie me up since that night in a manner that i could not escape from had i wanted to. the Master in my last very short Master/slave type relationship tied my hands in front of me. the fact i wasn't tied down to anything was probably the only reason i didn't panic. even so i knew it was going to be a problem for me.

i started to cry as He wrapped the rope around my wrists. He asked me why of course and i told Him the last time someone tied me up they hurt me. i didn't have to explain it wasn't the same kind of hurt that He intended that night. He knew.

He said the only thing i could imagine helping me at that moment and that was that it would be alright cause We/we would make new memories and they would be good. i was okay after that because i wanted new memories badly, i wanted to forget.

it still makes me cry to talk about it. people don't like to talk about the things that make you cry. it makes them uncomfortable and they think they are making it worse for you..but i need to talk about it and i need to cry about it because i never did when it happened.