...the chicken or the egg...

...i dunno what comes first.....starting to feel a little lonely which leads me to thinking of my exbf..or thinking of my exbf and starting to feel a little lonely...

.....i'm not supposed to think about him..that's what my counselor told me.....i've been seeing her since he tried to kill me and i left him..

..there's a part of me that just can't totally let go.....i don't know why..i don't get it.....well i could guess at a few reasons.....counselor says it's not about him anymore..it's about not wanting to move on...about being terrified to start a new life......easier to just stay in the past..safer somehow i suppose even though it hurts..

.....he'd be really proud of a lot of the stuff i've done and things i've changed....he'd hate this..he'd hate what i was doing online...he was the one that dragged me out of this bullsh*t years ago.....rescued me from myself....first person i can remember ever protecting me..both from myself and others....

..it's not really that it hurts badly right in this moment.....it's the memories that hurt.....it's thinking back and letting myself remember...remembering so clearly what i felt..like the time we were in my bed together early on in the first few months...i was sitting on top of him...straddling his hips...i'd slid my pussy slowly down onto his hard cock until he was filling me up and i was slowly f*cking him......i looked down....i looked down into his eyes...he was looking back into mine..i felt something i'd never felt before...i saw something in his eyes i'd never seen before...it was like connecting to someones...i dunno...it sounds stupid......but something changed after that..normally i would have looked away right away....i wouldn't want anyone to be able to see inside me..what i was thinking or feeling in that moment...but that time i didn't..

....i had this natural urge to tell him i loved him after that night...it wasn't really a conscious thing...i would go to say it without realising it until a second before i was about to say it and then i would stop myself.....we were both so cautious...i think we were both scared to admit we felt anything..he had to bring it up in the end.....i never would have...i would never give someone the power to hurt me like that unless i knew without a doubt it was safe....

..i never look at the people i f*ck now....never look into their eyes for more than a second..i keep my eyes shut tight mostly....i don't want to see what is there cause there's nothing there to see anymore....