..been a pretty good weekend..

saw two of the most "normal" guys i know in the last 24hrs. i think all that praying my sponsor does for me is kicking in. or maybe not. doubt it's her intention for me to get f*cked even if it is by one of the more normal, healthier guys i know.

it's all about normal, healthy and loving for my sponsor and counselor. ..."when you've experienced a normal, healthy relationship...blah blah blah..." ..you don't know what a normal, healthy, loving relationship is like but when.. blah blah blah.."

my counselor thinks i need to be with someone normal, healthy and loving in case you didn't catch that. normal, healthy and loving does not include Master/slave or any form of control either inside or outside the bedroom unless it's just for fun. that's not exactly what i had in mind.

still, i do believe she's right. i just don't know if that's where i'm going to end up. i think it will come down to whatever i find first. it's more about the right person these days than the perfect D/s situation. counselor figures there's nothing wrong with being with someone vanilla or a switch/sub who would go along with what i like sexually. course she thinks i should stay totally away from dominant men..ha! says i'm too submissive in all aspects of my life not just sexually and it would not be good to be with someone wanting control. well that's the whole f*cking point isn't it?

my sponsor is still pushing total abstinence..ha! she doesn't think D/s type play, real or otherwise will ever be good for me. still if things keep going like they are she may get her prayers answered.

i talked to another normie yesterday, someone i was friends with for awhile when i first started living on my own and was trying to be normal. was weird to be messaged outta the blue by him cause i'd stopped messaging him months ago and deleted him. i actually liked him alot and when things didn't go anywhere i stopped talking to him. my intincts were right and he never contacted me again after that.

turns out apparently that he thought i was a prude..lol..me!!..a prude..now that is priceless. i guess he saw one of the pics i had up on my profile yesterday and realised his first assessment was incorrect. boy he has no idea how wrong he was there. i was going thru my "try to be normal" with people phases. i guess i was too normal. still i don't know how to be balanced. it's either total prude or total nympho..can't do in between..so it's f*cked. even the normal guys don't wanna be with someone ultra conservative.

anyway, guess we will see what happens. i don't need another f*ck buddy so if that is all he wants i'll be deleting him again. funny coming from a slut he?

i did some major shopping yesterday. i coulda bought a new computor for how much i spent. figured i needed new clothes bad. i keep thinking i'm going to get back into shape overnight and it ain't happening. so figure i'll at least buy some half decent stuff in the mean time. hell who knows, maybe actually having stuff that fits will take the pressure off and i will lose the weight i gained. i got a closet of size 12 stuff and i'm size 18..yikes.

i was gonna try and just accept the way i am now..especially since i keep running into people that like girls my size. but i just can't do it..especially after getting some good looks at myself in those fitting room mirrors. f*ck it's worse than seein yourself on cam. i can't live like this..no way.