i'm tired..i feel crappy..

been getting like 4 and 5 hrs sleep lately and it's catching up to me. i feel really crappy. makes me nauseous and dizzy and headachy.

had a great day though. got some stuff done around the house. hit my docs appt. even hit a meeting..was a good one too. worked out with the girls.

now i feel sick, tired and lonely. ugggggggh.

had a normal date the other night..dinner..movie. i don't want to see him again. apart from not being "my type" there's no way i can be around someone that doesn't get the addict thing.

he's know's about that part of my past. he says stuff like..well i just chose not to do those kinds of things when i was younger..i was more interested in blah blah blah.

yea well some people don't grow up quite the same as other people. i'm not sitting here and saying..so and so did something to me and because of that i'm this way or that way..but sh*t happens and it changes who you were going to be before someone introduced you to masturbation at age f*cking 7.

i watched my cousin get beat naked by her mother in front of the whole f*cking family for chr*st's sake..screaming the whole time for her dad to come help her. i had a choice..stick around to watch more of that in the middle of the f*cking nite or go with the person that wanted to use me to masturbate probably because they got so f*cking turned on watching her get beat.

i don't think i ever f*cking talked about this.

.....and if anyone comes to me wanting to talk to me about this because it turns you on i will f*cking freak right out on you. this did not f*cking turn me on..it was f*cking disgusting and the people that come to me asking me about it cause they wanna get off i think you are sick f*cks. you wanna get off on it then go find someone that's into that f*cking sick sh*t.

..don't think i don't understand how this sh*t can turn a person on..i do..but don't come to me..someone who got f*cked up by it and think it turns me on..it DOESN'T.