i am so f*cking crabby it's not funny.....
i dunno what's going on. i was really over tired last night. only got 4hrs sleep night before last so it's no wonder i was feeling like sh*t by evening.
i think i was okay this morning. went to my docs. drove home on the freeway. the weather was bad. i started to think about people that had died recently on rainy highways and then i'm thinking what my girls would do without me. it made me really sad and reminded me of how i felt when i first got sick and thought i was going to die.
i was pretty good about the whole thing, especially when i found out i wouldn't die within the following 3mos. my parents told me i made it alot easier for them to deal with it because i wasn't freakin out. f*ck it was easy..i was getting more attention than i'd ever got in my life and people were like really nice to me. i only talk about this because the couple times i needed a hug my kid's dad walked away from me. i can't give specific details but there was no support to be had there. hell i had to support him through it.
it was then i decided i owed him nothing. i was too sick both physically and mentally to leave..so i decided i'd find a lover..someone i could fall in love with and have an affair with for the rest of my life. leaving my marriage was not an option for someone like me. that is hard for most people to understand.
it's taken years of counseling to get me where i am now and people think i coulda made the decision to leave a 20 yr marriage?? f*ck i'd never looked after myself ever..never..not once since the day i was born. judgemental f*cking bitches..the women were the worst.
anyway, this isn't what i wanted to write about. i don't remember what i wanted to write about now.
oh well, enough whining. i've just been noticing how sad i am lately. then i notice how mad i am. there just seems to be those two things. i guess one of the good things i noticed is i'm not obsessing over psycho ex when i'm getting sad now. it goes further back..it's not about him anymore. i hope it lasts.
i think i was okay this morning. went to my docs. drove home on the freeway. the weather was bad. i started to think about people that had died recently on rainy highways and then i'm thinking what my girls would do without me. it made me really sad and reminded me of how i felt when i first got sick and thought i was going to die.
i was pretty good about the whole thing, especially when i found out i wouldn't die within the following 3mos. my parents told me i made it alot easier for them to deal with it because i wasn't freakin out. f*ck it was easy..i was getting more attention than i'd ever got in my life and people were like really nice to me. i only talk about this because the couple times i needed a hug my kid's dad walked away from me. i can't give specific details but there was no support to be had there. hell i had to support him through it.
it was then i decided i owed him nothing. i was too sick both physically and mentally to leave..so i decided i'd find a lover..someone i could fall in love with and have an affair with for the rest of my life. leaving my marriage was not an option for someone like me. that is hard for most people to understand.
it's taken years of counseling to get me where i am now and people think i coulda made the decision to leave a 20 yr marriage?? f*ck i'd never looked after myself ever..never..not once since the day i was born. judgemental f*cking bitches..the women were the worst.
anyway, this isn't what i wanted to write about. i don't remember what i wanted to write about now.
oh well, enough whining. i've just been noticing how sad i am lately. then i notice how mad i am. there just seems to be those two things. i guess one of the good things i noticed is i'm not obsessing over psycho ex when i'm getting sad now. it goes further back..it's not about him anymore. i hope it lasts.
posted by masters_lil_slutty_grl at 4:44 PM
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