well that was all rather manipulative of me looking back now...

wish i knew what was wrong. i can't say there's anything bad going on. i should be really enjoying this little bit of time i have off in between classes.

maybe that's it. i finally get a little break and that whole f*ck it attitude returns because it won't destroy my life right now. i'll just hate myself when i start school again and i haven't enjoyed this time off.

i can't help but wonder if i'm not trying to hurt myself. why wouldn't i want to be happy?

i dunno..it's a huge adjustment being alone i suppose. i've always had someone in my life..hell i've had two someone's most of the time. always gotta have a back up ya know cause no one can be trusted to be there for you all the time. that's how i used to think. well i dunno if i consciously thought that but i imagine that is part of why i lived the way i did. it's not how i want to live anymore.

psycho ex showed me i could be happy with just one person. he did teach me some good stuff. that was the confusing thing for me i think. he brought so many good things into my life. counselor had to explain the obvious..no one is all good or all bad. he showed me what i wanted and he showed me what i didn't want and now i can go out and find it.

i do wonder if i'm too focused online these days..but i don't think i'm ready to do anything about that. i've had some weird sh*t happening online lately. it all seems to have happened at the same time. it's not about one person..it's a bunch of stuff.

my kid's dad is being weird with me again. that's hard for me to deal with.

my parents are awol after just starting to help me out again.

kid's dad just takes off without telling me. no warning that he won't be taking the kids this week. it's not easy having them all the time with no break and no one here to help me with them. not that i ever got help when i was with him. my boyfriends did more parenting than he's done.

at least i don't have to compete with a superdad. he can be such an *ssh*le they don't wanna even go over there anymore lately. he thinks it's funny. he's not all bad of course as i was saying before. he has his good points like we all do and i'm glad he is their dad and not psycho ex or i'd be screwed.

maybe this is just a post chaotic rush with school down time. ya know how it is when you've been too busy to think and then..boom it's all done.

well i should jump in the shower..supposed to meet some Dom guy today..like just for coffee. it's not a sex thing. it's someone that would like a relationship. i get tired of this sh*t and i don't know why i bother. i think it's one of the other things that gets to me.

i've been wondering if i need to go back on the anti d's. i don't wanna think too much about that. i really don't want to..but if i can't figure this sh*t out soon i may have no choice.

...............................

just talked to Dom guy. think we're gonna wait to meet till i feel better. i'm really thinking i need to go back on the pills. cause now i've cancelled the meeting i just wanna hide for the rest of the day. f*ck they make you hungry though and the last thing i want is that.