Bingeing

that's the other problem i have. okay it's like the 53rd problem i have and i did it last night cause whenever i feel crappy i won't do anything to look after myself and if i can i'll do something to hurt myself.

i stop caring that my number one goal right now is to get back into shape and the f*ck it thing comes into play. i think when you grow up in a family where it's not okay to be angry and you have to stuff all those feelings it comes out in other ways. when i'm angry at myself or someone else that anger can come out by eating and then puking.

i started out a few years ago just bingeing when the abuse and confusion in my life peaked..until it made me fat that is. then i started to panic and began puking after i would binge. it was the only thing i had control of.

i can remember one night my kid's dad was particularly nasty and i was so frustrated and upset and angry and hopeless and i took that rage and puked up everything he'd just made me for supper till i couldn't puke anymore. man did i feel better after that.

now how f*cked up is that. going and hurting yourself like that and thinking there i got you back. that's like cutting your nose off to spite your face for chr*st's sake..but ya know the people in my life have always been so much better at hurting me than i was at hurting them. if i did or said something they didn't like they would slam me so good i'd never do it again.

..and i'm not talking about D/s here or someone who has control of themselves and wants control of me. i'm talking vanilla people, control freaks that can't control themselves but they are very good at figuring out how to hurt you so bad they have control of you.

there's no way to fight back because they will come back at you a hundred times harder than you went at them.

i was talking to a friend the other day about how weird it is that there are two types of people in this world..for example..those that care how their behavior effects their kids and those that seem oblivious to it.....and if they are aware of the effect, their attiude is..oh well too f*cking bad..they should behave how i want them to and then i wouldn't do it. i'm the first one, my kid's dad is the second.

maybe it's because i can see how things effected me growing up and i'm doing everything not to have that repeat itself. well i dunno, i think most rational human beings know not to go around screaming to their kids that they are fat. it creates eating disorders..anorexia, bulemia..hell i should know. how can some people not see that and take responsibility for it??

even during the worst of my drug use i didn't do sh*t like that to my kids. i'm probably more nuts now when it comes to uncontrollable anger than i was high. but what did i do? read all the stuff on anger i have and went and talked to my couselor about it. i found out how to deal with it and i'd say the problem is 5% of what it was just a week or two ago..maybe even less.

just knowing that anger is a choice reduced my anger towards my kids by at least 75%. talking to the counselor dealt with the rest.

so yea, anyway, bingeing..so last night i did that. i don't go and buy two dozen donuts from tim hortons..nope i binge on sh*t like high fiber cereal and flax toast..lol. it's that piece my counselor doesn't quite understand..how i will sabotage to a point but i won't destroy everything. most people go with everything she tells me. it's probly why i've never tried to kill myself. i've thought about it but f*ck i don't wanna die. i just want people to stop going out of their way to hurt me. thankfully most of that has stopped now that i'm on my own. it's good. now there is mostly just me hurting me. at least i'm in control of that..i can stop it anytime i like.

i suppose i have been pushing people away lately. i don't really know what that is about except that i come from a family that dealt with you like that. if you hurt them they didn't react rationally..they hurt you back more and part of that was pushing you away. the result was that it pushed you away..go figure..but they expected it to draw you back..which in some people it will. but like you said SM you're not like that.

...most people won't calmly tell you to stop it and explain the consequences..they flip out or do weird sh*t. i can deal with reality..it gets through where the other stuff doesn't..you know?

that's part of what i liked about D/s and dominant men..the real ones anyway..you do something they don't like and they're not off planning their revenge or trying to figure out how to hurt you back or punish you by cutting you off, ignoring you and not talking to you.....or even whining until they drive you insane or the guilt gets you.....they just tell you to stop or this, this and this will happen. end of problem. that's not how i grew up..i grew up with all this weird f*ckin hurt you back crap, ignore you, talk to you like you're a piece of useless sh*t for a week till you crawl back and apologize..which i never did cause i used to think that whatever i'd done was so bad there was no fixing it. my parents could never figure that out and used to think i was sociopathic for not coming and apologizing. half the time i didn't even know wtf i'd done wrong.

my sponsor is such a kewl f*cking person. it was one of my bestfriend's birthdays not too long ago and i totally forgot. even after she reminded me i forgot to call my friend. so the next day i get this phone call..it's my sponsor..she basically tells me to go buy a cake for my gf cause later that day they're coming over to celebrate her birthday. she checked first to make sure i had the money and all that. i ran out and bought a card, present and cake and we celebrated her birthday at my house. no one slammed me or punished me for not remembering or tried to tell me i didn't care about them because i didn't behave a certain way. of course i care about them, i love them so much and would never have done anything to intentionally hurt them. my sponsor's way is just to show me how to live, what you do for people you care about, how you treat them, what it looks like..not to try and inflict enough pain so that i never forget what i should have done..or lecture me on what i should have done till i feel like a piece of sh*t..she just goes ahead and shows me how she does it by doing it herself.

normal people don't understand how you can live half your life and not know how to live. it's not like my family of origin was that f*cked up and weird..especially looking in from the outside..but i think it is all the layers that get added year after year after year until you can't function like a normal person..you don't even know how after awhile or even what normal is..assuming normal is something loving and healthy.