Sex Addiction....

Carnes, Don't Call it Love. New York: Bantam, 1991.

"On the basis of our research and clinical experience, there are ten signs that indicate the presence of sexual addiction:

1. A pattern of out of control behavior
2. Severe consequences due to sexual behavior
3. Inability to stop despite adverse consequences
4. Persistent pursuit of self destructive behavior
5. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior
6. Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping mechanism
7. Increasing amounts of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficient.
8. Severe mood changes around sexual activity
9. Inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience
10. Neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior."

..it's amazing what a good dump can do for you..

ya know..a mental dump..a little verbal diarhea.
i'm feeling quite a bit better.

having a few too many dreams about exbf. dunno what that is about. amazing that he is still in my head after this long. i guess i let him stay.

as i was saying to big M this morning..it's not about letting go..it's accepting he's gone.

had a good nite ...

Masturbation..

that got your attention eh? just one more comment. i was a little pissy yesterday in case you didn't notice. i was getting a lot of harrassing to masturbate on cam etc..which is hard to deal with when i feel crappy so to get back at you all i got all pissed off and went and masturbated on my own without the cam on.. ... yea i thought that'll teach em all..lol..i'm so f*cking f*cked and immature sometimes.

Bingeing

that's the other problem i have. okay it's like the 53rd problem i have and i did it last night cause whenever i feel crappy i won't do anything to look after myself and if i can i'll do something to hurt myself.

i stop caring that my number one goal right now is to get back into shape and the f*ck it thing comes into play. i think when you grow up in a family where it's not okay to be angry and you have to stuff all those feelings it comes out in other ways. when i'm angry at myself or someone else that anger can come out by eating and then puking.

i started out a few years ago just bingeing when the abuse and confusion in my life peaked..until it made me fat that is. then i started to panic and began puking after i would binge. it was the only thing i had control of.

i can remember one night my kid's dad was particularly nasty and i was so frustrated and upset and angry and hopeless and i took that rage and puked up everything he'd just made me for supper till i couldn't puke anymore. man did i feel better after that.

now how f*cked up is that. going and hurting yourself like that and thinking there i got you back. that's like cutting your nose off to spite your face for chr*st's sake..but ya know the people in my life have always been so much better at hurting me than i was at hurting them. if i did or said something they didn't like they would slam me so good i'd never do it again.

..and i'm not talking about D/s here or someone who has control of themselves and wants control of me. i'm talking vanilla people, control freaks that can't control themselves but they are very good at figuring out how to hurt you so bad they have control of you.

there's no way to fight back because they will come back at you a hundred times harder than you went at them.

i was talking to a friend the other day about how weird it is that there are two types of people in this world..for example..those that care how their behavior effects their kids and those that seem oblivious to it.....and if they are aware of the effect, their attiude is..oh well too f*cking bad..they should behave how i want them to and then i wouldn't do it. i'm the first one, my kid's dad is the second.

maybe it's because i can see how things effected me growing up and i'm doing everything not to have that repeat itself. well i dunno, i think most rational human beings know not to go around screaming to their kids that they are fat. it creates eating disorders..anorexia, bulemia..hell i should know. how can some people not see that and take responsibility for it??

even during the worst of my drug use i didn't do sh*t like that to my kids. i'm probably more nuts now when it comes to uncontrollable anger than i was high. but what did i do? read all the stuff on anger i have and went and talked to my couselor about it. i found out how to deal with it and i'd say the problem is 5% of what it was just a week or two ago..maybe even less.

just knowing that anger is a choice reduced my anger towards my kids by at least 75%. talking to the counselor dealt with the rest.

so yea, anyway, bingeing..so last night i did that. i don't go and buy two dozen donuts from tim hortons..nope i binge on sh*t like high fiber cereal and flax toast..lol. it's that piece my counselor doesn't quite understand..how i will sabotage to a point but i won't destroy everything. most people go with everything she tells me. it's probly why i've never tried to kill myself. i've thought about it but f*ck i don't wanna die. i just want people to stop going out of their way to hurt me. thankfully most of that has stopped now that i'm on my own. it's good. now there is mostly just me hurting me. at least i'm in control of that..i can stop it anytime i like.

i suppose i have been pushing people away lately. i don't really know what that is about except that i come from a family that dealt with you like that. if you hurt them they didn't react rationally..they hurt you back more and part of that was pushing you away. the result was that it pushed you away..go figure..but they expected it to draw you back..which in some people it will. but like you said SM you're not like that.

...most people won't calmly tell you to stop it and explain the consequences..they flip out or do weird sh*t. i can deal with reality..it gets through where the other stuff doesn't..you know?

that's part of what i liked about D/s and dominant men..the real ones anyway..you do something they don't like and they're not off planning their revenge or trying to figure out how to hurt you back or punish you by cutting you off, ignoring you and not talking to you.....or even whining until they drive you insane or the guilt gets you.....they just tell you to stop or this, this and this will happen. end of problem. that's not how i grew up..i grew up with all this weird f*ckin hurt you back crap, ignore you, talk to you like you're a piece of useless sh*t for a week till you crawl back and apologize..which i never did cause i used to think that whatever i'd done was so bad there was no fixing it. my parents could never figure that out and used to think i was sociopathic for not coming and apologizing. half the time i didn't even know wtf i'd done wrong.

my sponsor is such a kewl f*cking person. it was one of my bestfriend's birthdays not too long ago and i totally forgot. even after she reminded me i forgot to call my friend. so the next day i get this phone call..it's my sponsor..she basically tells me to go buy a cake for my gf cause later that day they're coming over to celebrate her birthday. she checked first to make sure i had the money and all that. i ran out and bought a card, present and cake and we celebrated her birthday at my house. no one slammed me or punished me for not remembering or tried to tell me i didn't care about them because i didn't behave a certain way. of course i care about them, i love them so much and would never have done anything to intentionally hurt them. my sponsor's way is just to show me how to live, what you do for people you care about, how you treat them, what it looks like..not to try and inflict enough pain so that i never forget what i should have done..or lecture me on what i should have done till i feel like a piece of sh*t..she just goes ahead and shows me how she does it by doing it herself.

normal people don't understand how you can live half your life and not know how to live. it's not like my family of origin was that f*cked up and weird..especially looking in from the outside..but i think it is all the layers that get added year after year after year until you can't function like a normal person..you don't even know how after awhile or even what normal is..assuming normal is something loving and healthy.

well that was all rather manipulative of me looking back now...

wish i knew what was wrong. i can't say there's anything bad going on. i should be really enjoying this little bit of time i have off in between classes.

maybe that's it. i finally get a little break and that whole f*ck it attitude returns because it won't destroy my life right now. i'll just hate myself when i start school again and i haven't enjoyed this time off.

i can't help but wonder if i'm not trying to hurt myself. why wouldn't i want to be happy?

i dunno..it's a huge adjustment being alone i suppose. i've always had someone in my life..hell i've had two someone's most of the time. always gotta have a back up ya know cause no one can be trusted to be there for you all the time. that's how i used to think. well i dunno if i consciously thought that but i imagine that is part of why i lived the way i did. it's not how i want to live anymore.

psycho ex showed me i could be happy with just one person. he did teach me some good stuff. that was the confusing thing for me i think. he brought so many good things into my life. counselor had to explain the obvious..no one is all good or all bad. he showed me what i wanted and he showed me what i didn't want and now i can go out and find it.

i do wonder if i'm too focused online these days..but i don't think i'm ready to do anything about that. i've had some weird sh*t happening online lately. it all seems to have happened at the same time. it's not about one person..it's a bunch of stuff.

my kid's dad is being weird with me again. that's hard for me to deal with.

my parents are awol after just starting to help me out again.

kid's dad just takes off without telling me. no warning that he won't be taking the kids this week. it's not easy having them all the time with no break and no one here to help me with them. not that i ever got help when i was with him. my boyfriends did more parenting than he's done.

at least i don't have to compete with a superdad. he can be such an *ssh*le they don't wanna even go over there anymore lately. he thinks it's funny. he's not all bad of course as i was saying before. he has his good points like we all do and i'm glad he is their dad and not psycho ex or i'd be screwed.

maybe this is just a post chaotic rush with school down time. ya know how it is when you've been too busy to think and then..boom it's all done.

well i should jump in the shower..supposed to meet some Dom guy today..like just for coffee. it's not a sex thing. it's someone that would like a relationship. i get tired of this sh*t and i don't know why i bother. i think it's one of the other things that gets to me.

i've been wondering if i need to go back on the anti d's. i don't wanna think too much about that. i really don't want to..but if i can't figure this sh*t out soon i may have no choice.

...............................

just talked to Dom guy. think we're gonna wait to meet till i feel better. i'm really thinking i need to go back on the pills. cause now i've cancelled the meeting i just wanna hide for the rest of the day. f*ck they make you hungry though and the last thing i want is that.

f*ck..who am i kiddin..

i'm ready to go jump off a f*ckin bridge. i dunno if it's cause i'm spending too much time online.. or cause i need to cry and i won't let myself..not for more than a few seconds while driving on the f*ckin freeway anyway..or cause my really good friends online seem to all have disappeared..at least the ones i feel closest to. maybe they're not friends. maybe that is the problem. i have friends that would be there for me everyday if i would stop running away and looking for some stupid rush.

guess it's time to stop all this nonsense and go find the people that really care about me..(sigh)

G*d they must wonder where the hell i am. not that it would be the first time i disappeared off the face of the earth.

f*ck and i wonder why some people do that to me..it doesn't even occur to me that i do the same thing..just not to the people that do it to me.

well i think i'll head to bed. f*ck brushing my teeth, f*ck me, f*ck it all.

i am so f*cking crabby it's not funny.....

i dunno what's going on. i was really over tired last night. only got 4hrs sleep night before last so it's no wonder i was feeling like sh*t by evening.

i think i was okay this morning. went to my docs. drove home on the freeway. the weather was bad. i started to think about people that had died recently on rainy highways and then i'm thinking what my girls would do without me. it made me really sad and reminded me of how i felt when i first got sick and thought i was going to die.

i was pretty good about the whole thing, especially when i found out i wouldn't die within the following 3mos. my parents told me i made it alot easier for them to deal with it because i wasn't freakin out. f*ck it was easy..i was getting more attention than i'd ever got in my life and people were like really nice to me. i only talk about this because the couple times i needed a hug my kid's dad walked away from me. i can't give specific details but there was no support to be had there. hell i had to support him through it.

it was then i decided i owed him nothing. i was too sick both physically and mentally to leave..so i decided i'd find a lover..someone i could fall in love with and have an affair with for the rest of my life. leaving my marriage was not an option for someone like me. that is hard for most people to understand.

it's taken years of counseling to get me where i am now and people think i coulda made the decision to leave a 20 yr marriage?? f*ck i'd never looked after myself ever..never..not once since the day i was born. judgemental f*cking bitches..the women were the worst.

anyway, this isn't what i wanted to write about. i don't remember what i wanted to write about now.

oh well, enough whining. i've just been noticing how sad i am lately. then i notice how mad i am. there just seems to be those two things. i guess one of the good things i noticed is i'm not obsessing over psycho ex when i'm getting sad now. it goes further back..it's not about him anymore. i hope it lasts.

thinking of deleting all this..

and everything else associated.

hmm wouldn't have figured tonight would be a spread for the cam nite...

go figure. f*ck now i gotta sleep in a wet spot.

i'm tired..i feel crappy..

been getting like 4 and 5 hrs sleep lately and it's catching up to me. i feel really crappy. makes me nauseous and dizzy and headachy.

had a great day though. got some stuff done around the house. hit my docs appt. even hit a meeting..was a good one too. worked out with the girls.

now i feel sick, tired and lonely. ugggggggh.

had a normal date the other night..dinner..movie. i don't want to see him again. apart from not being "my type" there's no way i can be around someone that doesn't get the addict thing.

he's know's about that part of my past. he says stuff like..well i just chose not to do those kinds of things when i was younger..i was more interested in blah blah blah.

yea well some people don't grow up quite the same as other people. i'm not sitting here and saying..so and so did something to me and because of that i'm this way or that way..but sh*t happens and it changes who you were going to be before someone introduced you to masturbation at age f*cking 7.

i watched my cousin get beat naked by her mother in front of the whole f*cking family for chr*st's sake..screaming the whole time for her dad to come help her. i had a choice..stick around to watch more of that in the middle of the f*cking nite or go with the person that wanted to use me to masturbate probably because they got so f*cking turned on watching her get beat.

i don't think i ever f*cking talked about this.

.....and if anyone comes to me wanting to talk to me about this because it turns you on i will f*cking freak right out on you. this did not f*cking turn me on..it was f*cking disgusting and the people that come to me asking me about it cause they wanna get off i think you are sick f*cks. you wanna get off on it then go find someone that's into that f*cking sick sh*t.

..don't think i don't understand how this sh*t can turn a person on..i do..but don't come to me..someone who got f*cked up by it and think it turns me on..it DOESN'T.

..my little boy toy was over..

i dunno how i get talked into these things. well ya i do now..read post below this one. i talk to him on msn. he asks about coming over. i say yea. he asks for addy. i give it to him not realising he's thinking tonight. i tell him no my kids are home, i haven't showered since i worked out, it's 1am, blah blah. we musta gone over it 12 times.

sanity prevails and i tell him a final no. won't do it. not right. kids home etc. f*ck i've wanted to see him soooo bad since that first time we met. he came over and we watched a movie..well tried to..we were fooling around on the couch for like two hours. was like bein in high school. it ended with me jerking him off all over the front of me on the couch. f*ck i hadn't been that turned on in forever. it was like that whole thing i call relationship sex. it was so good and i loved kissing him too.

funny, outta all the men i've slept with there's only two i feel truly comfortable with and got off on kissing them. well there might be one or two others but outta 50-100 that ain't that great.

anyway, he asks if he can phone. i was so damn tired i wondered why i agreed to that but we used to chat alot on the phone for hours till i got all weird and frustrated cause he was always too busy with work and stuff to get back over here. then i did what i always do with guys i like that just aren't getting with the program..i leave them totally alone and frequently delete them.

the only reason i started talking to my second fave lil boy was cause i noticed he'd deleted me..lol. i'm like wtf..i may delete you but you don't f*ckin delete me..lol....self centered little subbie bitch that i am.

we talk on the phone tonight and within 5min i'd agreed to let him come over..sheeesh. he says he hasn't had sex since he was with me last time. holy f*ckin sh*t that was longer than biker boy went. i dunno why they'd lie about it..no one else does. if they've f*cked someone else they tell me. i don't always like it..ha!..but it's not like we're dating or anything.

so he comes over. just before he gets here i notice one of my rodents has escaped..man. he licks my cunt and fingers me for like an hour. i get a bit freaked out after that long cause i start feeling guilty and sh*t. although you finger me for that long and i'm gushing everywhere and he's like loving it and i'm begging him to f*ck me for real.

i think he was worried he'd f*ck me and cum in 5 seconds and he was right..lol. still i can't complain..i've wanted to see that boy again for quite awhile..so i'm a happy slut.

mmmmm my two favorite boys within 2 or 3 days of each other..gotta love that.

...was just reading one of my own bdsm links and...

boy does she have me pegged..and i suppose other subs? at least in what she's written here.

Training a submissive to 'hear' command without igniting a defensive or conflictive reaction is a delicate and deliberate process. In general terms a submissive 'hears' a constant stream of fragmented commands from those that the submissive 'listens for' during the course of normal life. The people most often in a position of domination over a submissive are parents, siblings, children, spouses, friends and bosses. In addition a submissive may have a submissive response or hear clergy with strong voice, astrologers, radio and TV personalities, doctors, hypnotists or any person in a position of authority who has a compelling or dynamic charismatic presence which attracts that submissives attention and focus

Many submissives do not knowingly or willfully consciously 'choose' the people who take a position of authority in that submissives life. A submissive may simply feel a 'compulsion' to aid, help, assist, augment or otherwise support a person even if and when they do not actively admire or like that person. Frequently the 'good nature' (compulsion to give) of a submissive will lead to feelings within that submissive of being used by the person in authority without proper credit or a reciprocal care and attention for the feelings or needs of that submissive. This can lead to resentment, conflict and confusion when the submissive cannot actively identify 'why' they have 'helped' or 'listened to, taken the advice of' or otherwise catered to the will of another person.

..that, i would say, is exactly how it works for me including the compulsion to follow commands from certain people which is how i ended up coming close to being killed. i did what he told me to with no thought for how furious he was with me..in a rage in fact..

..that bit about feeling used without reciprocal care and attention is dead on..

..i couldn't have come close to recognizing this as the truth for me on my own or beginning to explain it so well..but i recognize the truth when i see it..

This can lead to resentment, conflict and confusion when the submissive cannot actively identify 'why' they have 'helped' or 'listened to, taken the advice of' or otherwise catered to the will of another person.

...this has happened to me over and over..and i didn't understand..i just know what feels good and what doesn't..and when it doesn't i leave..

A submissive may also find themselves deliberately limiting 'access' to their private environments such as through the usage of answering machines etc.... Sometimes they arrive at a point where they note when they feel the most 'pressed' to comply. Recognition of behaviors, triggers, attitude and situations allows that submissive to make reasoned instead of responsive choices, sometimes for the first time in their lives.

..this is why i use the tunnel software. many people don't understand my frustration with all the messages i get online. to them it's simple..just ignore them. sometimes people don't understand how many messages there are and what that is like and how demanding some people are..but i think alot has to do with what's written above and feeling compelled to make everyone happy. it's really hard to filter it all out. the auto response software keeps it all outta my sight unless i choose to look..it IS just like an answering machine and lets me focus on just a few people at a time.

When a Dominant enters a submissives life the above components are often at full strength. The submissive may have an almost overwhelming desire to find 'voice' coupled to their lifelong experience of diminishing punishment, abuse and usage by those in authority over them. This conflict may manifest as hesitation, anxiety, acting out or other methods of 'escape' from the source voice now present in their life.

..this is just amazing to me. it's like the first time i picked up my 12 step work guide and was stunned that someone had written a book all about me. it explains so many things.

If the Dominant assumes an attitude of 'do this or else' they may ignite a defensive posturing by the submissive. This may exhibit as a block or 'failure to listen' within the submissive. This block even if only partially effective will serve to diminish or negate the efficacy of the Dominants command and may erode the submissives 'positive belief' in that Dominant. If the submissive can successfully relegate this new 'voice' to 'part of' the group of authority figures in that submissives past who have violated them, then that submissive will begin to think thoughts of diminishment relating to the Dominant. This 'removal of status' will eventually destroy the relationship. A Dominant can take a submissive by forcible command, they cannot keep a submissive using forcible command.

..omg this is sooo true..

.....hmm this whole page is quite fascinating to me. whatcha think?

..been a pretty good weekend..

saw two of the most "normal" guys i know in the last 24hrs. i think all that praying my sponsor does for me is kicking in. or maybe not. doubt it's her intention for me to get f*cked even if it is by one of the more normal, healthier guys i know.

it's all about normal, healthy and loving for my sponsor and counselor. ..."when you've experienced a normal, healthy relationship...blah blah blah..." ..you don't know what a normal, healthy, loving relationship is like but when.. blah blah blah.."

my counselor thinks i need to be with someone normal, healthy and loving in case you didn't catch that. normal, healthy and loving does not include Master/slave or any form of control either inside or outside the bedroom unless it's just for fun. that's not exactly what i had in mind.

still, i do believe she's right. i just don't know if that's where i'm going to end up. i think it will come down to whatever i find first. it's more about the right person these days than the perfect D/s situation. counselor figures there's nothing wrong with being with someone vanilla or a switch/sub who would go along with what i like sexually. course she thinks i should stay totally away from dominant men..ha! says i'm too submissive in all aspects of my life not just sexually and it would not be good to be with someone wanting control. well that's the whole f*cking point isn't it?

my sponsor is still pushing total abstinence..ha! she doesn't think D/s type play, real or otherwise will ever be good for me. still if things keep going like they are she may get her prayers answered.

i talked to another normie yesterday, someone i was friends with for awhile when i first started living on my own and was trying to be normal. was weird to be messaged outta the blue by him cause i'd stopped messaging him months ago and deleted him. i actually liked him alot and when things didn't go anywhere i stopped talking to him. my intincts were right and he never contacted me again after that.

turns out apparently that he thought i was a prude..lol..me!!..a prude..now that is priceless. i guess he saw one of the pics i had up on my profile yesterday and realised his first assessment was incorrect. boy he has no idea how wrong he was there. i was going thru my "try to be normal" with people phases. i guess i was too normal. still i don't know how to be balanced. it's either total prude or total nympho..can't do in between..so it's f*cked. even the normal guys don't wanna be with someone ultra conservative.

anyway, guess we will see what happens. i don't need another f*ck buddy so if that is all he wants i'll be deleting him again. funny coming from a slut he?

i did some major shopping yesterday. i coulda bought a new computor for how much i spent. figured i needed new clothes bad. i keep thinking i'm going to get back into shape overnight and it ain't happening. so figure i'll at least buy some half decent stuff in the mean time. hell who knows, maybe actually having stuff that fits will take the pressure off and i will lose the weight i gained. i got a closet of size 12 stuff and i'm size 18..yikes.

i was gonna try and just accept the way i am now..especially since i keep running into people that like girls my size. but i just can't do it..especially after getting some good looks at myself in those fitting room mirrors. f*ck it's worse than seein yourself on cam. i can't live like this..no way.

...i got f*cked last night... :)))))

G*d i was like suicidal yesterday aft and outta the blue i hear from biker boy..my fave boy. actually he's the only one i'd like to date and the only one i truly enjoy having sex with. he's so f*cking sexy in those f*ckin biker leathers..mmmm..mmmmmmm.

he's vanilla but i'd date him for sure. he's probably one of the few vanilla guys who could talk me into a normal, healthy relationship. i met him when i was in my prude mode and just starting to see my last Master who was hardcore into the slave thing. biker boy tried to talk me out of it, probably cause alot of it was freakin me out.

sex with him is so awesome. it's like relationship sex if that makes any sense. it's really hot but it's..i dunno..i like kissing him.. just like i like kissing someone when i'm in love with them and it makes me wet and incredibly horny just kissing them. most of the guys i sleep with i have no desire to kiss..it's just a f*ck.