Artist:Evanescence Song:My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[CHORUS:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

ya know it's kinda scary when.....

you ask your counselor if anyone similar to yourself in similar circumstances has ever reacted the same way as you when it comes to an exbf and the answer is well yea but not for nearly as long.

even scarier is when you ask why she thinks you've hung on this long and she says she doesn't know. alrighty then..hmmmm. hell if she doesn't know i sure as f*ck don't.

she suspects it's to do with fear. fear of this new life of mine..not believing i can be happy alone or without a man. she thinks i am so close to the edge and stepping off into a new and healthy life that just as i am about to do it i look down an' go..nu uh..and run back to exbf.

she wouldn't think i was so healthy if she read this f*cking blog..hehe..actually i doubt it would surprise her..i've told her pretty well everything over the last couple years. one of exbf's last orders was..and tell ur counselor everything cause how's she supposed to help you if you keep deciding what's important and what's not urself. so i did.

---------------

told her about the recent phone contact i'd had with him. he admitted to not being totally over me..something he rarely does. it doesn't mean sh*t. we're still not getting back together but it makes me feel good. counselor asked me if i didn't already know he wasn't over me..that obviously with a relationship that intense of course he would still be healing from it just as i was. still i somehow felt better hearing it from him.

it is just so strange to want someone that you know will bring absolute chaos into your life and yet still want them..to be willing to take that on just to get back the good parts.

she's right..i am very close to the edge..i can feel it. i've even been thinking about getting rid of the group. i don't feel like getting rid of the blog..i can be honest here about alot of things i can't be honest about elsewhere..but much of it won't hold people's attention cause they want explicit and sometimes graphic sexual content.. .. which makes sense of course because that was the original intent of it all.

well i guess time will tell..i'm not getting rid of it today..that's for damn sure..


.....besides i still have to tell you about the spanking i got yesterday

hmm well tonight didn't exactly turn out.....

how i expected. kids got dropped home late and had forgotten half their stuff so we're driving back an hour later to get it as if it wasn't already late enough. now it's 1230 ish and i'm umm trying to come up with some more good excuses for why i don't have any new pics.....

well i guess i can rest assured SM won't be getting on a plane anytime soon to administer some much needed discipline?

i didn't intend not to write at least a little about what went on today either.

damn i gotta get to bed. i see my counselor in the am. same ol f*cking same ol..... contacted exbf yet again..blah blah blah blah.....bleeeecccchhhhhhtttttt.

i guess the only thing that sorta amazes me is the fact i didn't have a meltdown over it this time. that's progress for ya i guess. 6mos ago i woulda been a f*cking nut. you'd never believe some of the sh*t i pulled if i told ya. just nuts..but no more nuts than some of the sh*t he pulled on me. at least i've never tried to kill him..ha!!!.....and .....

i'd never really cared about anyone before him either cause i was f*cking high all the time. i was off the wall trying to deal with all this sh*t without drugs and all the other crap i used to use to get through life without needing anyone.

only once before i went a bit wingy and that was when things ended between me and the very first Dom guy i was ever with. that was tough. he was the one that showed me that all that D/s sh*t that i thought only worked in my mind while masturbating actually translated to real life very well for me..at least with him. it was amazing. however, the short story is.....here comes this guy..walks into my life..somehow gets me to stop using drugs..gets me working out..introduces me to D/s real time..i was very close to giving up the net..probably hadn't thought about stopping smoking cigarettes altho i don't remember for sure.....this was a few years ago now.....

so yes here comes this guy who has me making all these amazing changes in my life but not only that he made it easy..and boom it's over before it's even half started. i got caught basically and that was that. there are a few more details but that's good enough for now.

i didn't know what to do. i'd known for a long time that i had to change my lifestyle but i didn't have a clue how to do it. he gave me the answers. of course today i realise that i have to find whatever it takes inside myself. i can't let everything good in my life ride on someone else. hard not to do though when your personality makes it so easy to give things over to someone else to take care of. still being clean is too important to give responsibility to someone else. that i have to do for myself..no one else.

bet you want the details now huh?

huh? huh?

1..2..3.....A..B..C.....

only an addict could be in denny's having coffee with a nice 30 something vanilla guy by 1pm.....be on her knees sucking young boy cock by 3pm.....and in church by 6pm...

i kid you not.....

eeeeeeeeek.....

i just got told by one of my new little boys that i'm easier to meet than a whore on the street.....sheesh..