A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
­­ William James

G*d i'm horny..

i really, really feel like playing on cam but i can't. i think i might just have to go lay in bed and masturbate.

Warning: major rant ...you've been warned.

i am so burned out lately i need a break from the online thing.

i've got people asking me over and over and over when can we meet? there's one guy that messages me all day and all he has to say to me is when are we going to meet? i am so busy with uni and kids and working out and counselling and program sh*t with sponsors and program friends and step work and just trying to get through life i don't have time to be meeting everyone i run into online. ..

i know..you all are busy too..i can't help it if your schedule doesn't match my schedule. that's another thing..i don't have a schedule..i don't know when i will be back or when i'm going to masturbate or when i'll have time to chat. i have enough problems scheduling my real life..this is supposed to be fun and i'm not going to start planning my online time. it's whenever i get done my other sh*t.

it wouldn't be so bad if these guys didn't get so p*ssed off at me when i won't run out and meet them whenever they find it convenient. i wouldn't mind if they asked and left it at that when i said no..but no they feel that it is appropriate to start ripping me apart for it..someone they don't even know.

i have met so many people from online and had so many bad experiences i really don't like wasting a lot of time doing it unless i really think there's some potential there for something i'm looking for. not that i have a f*cking clue what that is these days.

some people say well why don't you just block them. well i do. but sometimes i am actually interested in meeting someone if they would just back the f*ck off for 5min and give me time to figure out when i can fit it in..instead of this constant whining and f*cking complaining. j*sus chr*st. did it not occur to them we could actually be getting to know something about one another instead so that maybe i'm more motivated to meet them when i get the time? no it doesn't so i end up having to block them cause i can't take it anymore.

you don't have to tell me..i know already..i'm a stressed out f*cking bitch that needs to get offline for awhile. well unfortunately i'm an addict so that isn't likely anytime soon.

i get people asking me all pissy like how can i be busy when i have time to be online? umm like none of your f*cking business? umm like cause i have other things i like to do on my pc besides chat maybe??? umm cause i have a couple of close friends that actually want more from me than my c*nt spread on their monitor?

i like playing online. it turns me on majorly when i do it when i want to do it, when it's convenient for me and when i do it how i like to do it. if it's not what you like then find someone that likes what you do. i don't enjoy playing 1 on 1. sorry, did it for years, sick of it, and sick of how possessive and pissy people get when you start one on oneing with them. not that it matters cause it doesn't do anything for me. if i want one on one i'll have real sex with someone.

i get slammed so bad for saying sh*t like this. i rarely let people know how i feel and i will probably delete this post by tomorrow..oops it is tomorrow already..damn. of course it's not everyone that is like this. it's a few idiots that drive me so nuts i wanna scream. then all you Dom types tell me to relax, ignore the idiots and block them...sheeeesh..like how easy that would be if i WAS Dom.. ;) i get so stressed out cause i do like to please people and i like to make people happy. it took me awhile to realise that i will go nuts if i do everything asked of me online by everyone doing the asking. as a good friend pointed out, i need to get something back and i don't.

i show off, alot of people like it, i like the attention..simple.

anyway, i'm just a f*cking bitch tonight. probably cause i am long overdue for a good hard f*cking along with a nice hard spanking.

oh yea and if one more person tells me i should be grateful they find me attractive enough to harrass i will scream. should i thank the guy that assaulted me for finding me attractive enough to assault? i'll start on my thank you cards now.

i just want to do what i want to do when i want to do it. how unsubmissive of me..

okay i'm done..i think.

comments not welcome. :P

i'm f*cked..

so much fun when you lose an entire f*cking post..grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ok where was i. ummmm..last night..yea..umm i was supposed to hook up with a particularly sick little boy ( 20 something..they're all 20 something..sigh ). anyway, yes a particularly sick little boy for someone so young. huge f*cking c*ck too. one of those where someone takes down their pants and you can't help but say..holy f*ck..and they go what?..with that innocent look like they don't know they're hung like a f*cking horse.

anyway, that didn't work out and for some reason i was half expecting it not to. i dunno, maybe i expect nothing these days and then i don't get disappointed or maybe i was too tired to care. i worked out earlier in the evening at the gym with a couple friends and so i was kewl with just hanging out at home alone unlike a year or so ago.

around 11 i thought Dom boy was calling and i didn't pick up cause i figured hell screw him calling this late. turns out it was young guy from a few weeks ago, the one that liked to shove his cock so far down my throat it makes me puke. he caught me online after phoning and i thought oh wtf and said he could come over later.

he was going out so he told me to leave the door open and he'd wake me up later. think he showed up around 2am.

it was the usual, he wanted me to suck him off..which i'm usually ok with but i really wanted to be f*cked and it was late and i was tired and i had a fever for some unknown f*cking reason to top it all off and i dunno..after sucking him off forever i just thought f*ck this..i'm so f*cking sick of this..i'm sick and i'm tired and i just wanna be f*cked and everyone's so f*cking selfish noooooooooo i gotta suck them off for an hour till they cum so they can f*ck me after when they'll supposedly last longer which never happens anyway.

ok i exagerate and it makes no sense cause far as i can remember this only happens with this guy and last time i was kewl with not getting f*cked. guess i was just f*cked up and in one of my twisted moods or maybe i'm tired of f*cking strangers who don't give a sh*t about me.

anyway, after awhile i just said to him "i'm sorry i can't do this tonight" and got up and laid back down next to him with my arms over my face. he asked me if i was okay a few times and i said yea a few times and told him i was just f*cked up.

after awhile he asked if he could cum in my mouth. i said yea. so he straddled my chest and jerked off on my face and in my mouth. after that i was too f*cked up to think of f*cking him. it's one of those moments where i can just turn it all off and not give a sh*t. cum wherever the f*ck you like cause i don't give a sh*t as long as i don't have to work my ass off for sweet sh*t all.

after that i turned over and tried to go to sleep. it was hard, i was upset and wished i was alone so i could lay there and cry. i really didn't wanna do it in front of a 20 something year old kid who couldn't even begin to understand how f*cked up i am.

i don't know what was going on. i've been twisted lately so maybe that was it. maybe it just wasn't enjoyable. i mean f*ck i'm a slut and i can really get into sucking someone off at times...sometimes because i care about them alot and i want to make them feel good and it's so hot when they make those noises that make it sound like they're getting the best blowjob of their life. exbf used to do that. f*ck it turned me on.

..but j*s*s when someone just expects you to suck them off without saying anything or making any noise..c'mon it's boring as all hell guys unless i've got myself particularly horny and then it's all about me anyway and i couldn't give a sh*t about who i'm sucking. f*ck at least call me some nasty names or something..anything..pull my f*cking hair..do or say something.

yahoo..i give up

yahoo is just f*cked this morning...more than usual..so hopefully some of you on there this a.m. read my blog cause no i'm not ignoring you, tunnelpro is f*cking up and not letting me reply to messages and in between that yahoo is f*cking up and crashing.

also i haven't been on quite as much as i usually am, so no i don't have you all blocked or anything like that..

..finally a stress free night..

i got my assignments finished and handed in today, and got 90% on my last exam. wooohoooo.

i was so freakin twisted a few days ago over uni and life. i am so lucky to know people that care enough to help. i'm not sure where i'd be now if an online friend hadn't helped me prioritize the things i needed to get done right away and make a plan to get those things done.

i'd normally say he made me do it without giving it much thought, but as he pointed out he didn't make me, he gave me someone to report back to. it's so interesting to me how that works for me. i'll do it for someone else but i won't do it for myself. now that's gotta be about some unconscious belief i'm not important enough. make me accountable to someone and i'll get it done. left alone and the odds of staying on track drop significantly.

in the end i get so overwhelmed by the amount of things i let go that i become incapable of doing anything. i tend to bury myself in some addictive behavior that lets me block everything else out. hours or days later i'll become aware of what i've just done and think, omg what the hell am i doing.

quite amazing i got this far on my own really. well not on my own exactly. i have this huge support network, my sponsor, counselors that i've been seeing for a couple years, online support group that i've poured my heart and soul out to, close friends that hunt me down if i disappear for too long.

anyway, i'm freezing and need to get some sleep. i haven't been feeling good, i think because of the pills i'm on. at least i found them again.

Pitbull rant..

it has been forever since i ranted on about something in the news, like years. probably cause i don't watch the news. my own life has been painful enough without seeing anyone else's f*cked up part of the planet.

last night, however, while laying on the couch trying to convince myself to go workout i caught the news. another pitbull story. same old same old, previously harmless pitbull escapes family yard and goes on killing spree. well okay, he only ripped into one dog and one human.

i love dogs, all dogs. f*ck i've spent thousands on surgery for all the different dogs and other pets i've had. i've even felt sorry for some of the owners whose otherwise nice dog escapes, reverts back to some normally buried instinct and goes and kills something for the first time ever..but some people are too stupid for words.

this pitbull escapes the family yard..he rips apart a dog walking on leash with it's owners. this dog is so badly damaged it has to be put to sleep. the owner of the dog that was attacked has to go to the emergency for stitches. someone across the street sees the pitbull attacking the dog and gets a gun and shoots it. now, even if the dog never went near a person i think ripping apart another dog is good reason to shoot anything let alone the fact the guy with the gun thought he was about to go after the dog's owners once he was finished killing their dog.

now get this ( here it comes )..the owner of the pitbull goes on tv and says she doesn't understand why the guy across the street had to shoot her dog..he was across the street and it was none of his busines..HUH????..like HUH??? f*cking stupid bitch.

i mean c'mon, i got nothing against pitbulls but if you wanna risk owning one keep them locked up and when they escape and go on a killing rampage suck it up when someone kills the f*cking thing if you're lucky enough to have someone around to kill it before it goes and kills a person or a child. j*s*s f*cking chr*st if the pitbull owners didn't sound so f*cking stupid people might be more sympathetic. (my apologies to anyone with a brain and a pitbull that trains them well and keeps them securely locked up)

a good friend of mine had a pitbull and it was the nicest dog around. hell it was a lot nicer than their shepard that would rip your arm off if you went anywhere near it. but lets not kid ourselves, it's a pitbull. yea other dogs bite too and probably statistically more so than pitbulls, but they don't generally lose their freakin mind and go on a killing rampage.

when was the last time you heard.."miniature schnauzer escapes and sends 3 children playing in a nearby park to the emergency"

..."poodle on the loose, rips apart neighbors dog".."great dane terrorizes neighborhood before police are able to apprehend it"..i mean c'mon..f*ck.

Sometimes people come into your life....

............. and you know right away that they
were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a
lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to
become.

You never know who these people may be - a roommate, a neighbor, a
professor, a friend, a lover, or even a complete stranger - but when
you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect
your life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and
unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential,
strength, willpower, or heart.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these
small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved
straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but
dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and
downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you
become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they
are sometimes the most important ones..........

dunno who said that but i think they were talking about my life..:P

..thank you

i just wanted to say thanks to some of you that left some pretty sweet messages on yahoo last night when you got my "feeling crappy" message. thank you, it helped alot and i was reading them even though i didn't respond to any of them.

and btw...

i really need to get f*cked again. or maybe just a good hard spanking to blow off some of this adrenaline. yea that's it.

i am so freakin twisted the last few days...

can you tell i'm blowing off my school work that i planned on doing today?

twisted. what twisted means to me:

twisted means i become so absorbed or obsessed in some addictive type behavior that

-i don't pick up my mail so i can't see my bills or anything else requiring my attention
-i don't pay my bills even though i have money
-i live off chicken mcgrills and coffee
-i have no idea how much money i have in the bank cause i stop checking: i'll know when it's gone cause my debit card will bounce at macdonalds and i'll have to switch to visa
-i start forgetting to feed my pets as often as they should be fed
-i stop spending time with my pets: the four legged kind
-i stop doing laundry

-i become incapable of concentrating long enough to study
-i blow off support group meetings
-i stop phoning my sponsor and friends
-i start forgetting appts
-i stop going out unless i absolutely have to
-i don't buy groceries
-i just barely keep the house liveable (by my standards - even twisted my house is better than most i have to point out)
-i start obsessing about my psycho ex coming and rescuing me
-i repeatedly think about calling psycho ex
-i get sad and cry for no apparent reason
-i drive like a maniac cause it's the only thing that makes me feel good and with the music so loud you can hardly tell what's playing to numb out my feelings
-i stop praying
-i stop working my program
-i don't bother to pick up my meds
-i get angry
-i start puking up what i eat

..........then when it really starts to hurt and i start to see all this and all i'm focused on is the addictive behavior and school to the exclusion of all else i start getting panicky and anxious.

..........i also start to realise i have to do something about it before..before what?..i dunno..i don't usually let it get much further cause it starts hurting too much..

G*d i feel nauseous..

but now i think about it all i ate all day was popcorn and some tea. oh and i did have a bowl of cereal too. hmm shouldn't really feel sick. then again i've been off one of my meds for a couple days cause i'm too lazy to go to the drugstore and get more. i'm on antibiotics again..(i have this autoimmune disease that has me at the docs every 5 f*cking minutes)..only i haven't been taking them right cause i keep forgetting and now i lost the whole f*cking bottle.

i just love this new blogger...

it actually tells you when your HTML tags are broken and which ones. still could take all the fun out of it if they make it too easy.

weblog linkage..

someone actually linked my blog to their blog. hmm now that was something i wasn't expecting. here i thought i was keeping a relatively low profile, hiding away from the scrutiny of the bloggin community.. ..and omg someone noticed me.

i was really only expecting my sick, perverted cam friends to visit here. i say that with some affection as a sick perverted individual myself, just as the term *sshole has taken on a whole new meaning in my life and if i call you that chances are i want you..lol. sorry i really do find the way my head works rather humerous at times. however, if i call you a f*cking pr*ck you're probably about to be deleted and blocked

weblog linking and responding to the linkage of your weblog to someone else's with a reciprocal link is very common. i just wasn't expecting it, which seems rather stupid now that i think about it. i suppose that tiny little part of me that still have some idea of what most people consider "normal" expects everyone to be disgusted and offended by some of my rantings. hell i sometimes disgust and offend myself.