i am so out of control..

i am so fat i can't f*cking stand it. i'm f*cking bingeing again, a big red flag for me that something is majorly f*cking wrong, along with contacting psycho ex, another big red flag. i feel so out of control, which makes me binge, which makes me feel more out of control so i start puking. when i get scared i'm gonna kill myself i stop eating entirely.

and people wonder why i'm attracted to control freaks??? (and really nice Dominant males who wanna beat me and leave welts and bruises on me and kiss me better after..lol..mmmmmmmmm).. helllllllo..

oh and i stop flossing every nite too. another big red flag something ain't right.

basically i stop doing pretty well everything not essential to existing.

i'm sabotaging again. f*ck.

i feel like sh*t

i dunno where this all came from. i contacted psycho ex yesterday. makes me feel like absolute cr*p. it's not even about the response i get, it's about why i did it in the first place. how did i get to the place where i think contacting him is a good idea? how do i convince myself that this time i won't get slammed? this time will be different from the 50 other times.

f*ck it's just like drugs, you abstain and abstain and abstain and the second you go back you are right back where you left off when you quit or sometimes worse. but this time is gonna be different no? this time i'm going to be able to control it. yea. that's it. it won't be like all those other times.

insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

Pink - Just Like a Pill

Lying here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get out of here

Where I can run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear
You're just like a pill
'Stead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
It must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help
I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get out of here

Where I can run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill

the power tewwwwwl

omfg..i masturbated again with the power tool and i gushed everywhere when i came. f*ck..it even blew me away. i was so hoping i had my waterproof mattress cover on but hell no.

i am really getting used to this thing. at first it was almost too much and i had to stop and use my hand to cum..well if you don't count the 6 dozen times i came from having that light blue attachment thingy inside my c*nt..

this time i came with it on my clit and inside me and i just about f*cking died. everything was soaked..the bed..me..the tool..f*ck it poured outta the thing when i picked it up to go clean it.

i may not need real sex ever again. ..

do not buy your women one of these things.

subbie guy

i can just see how this is gonna go down..this boy is gonna be toppin from the bottom i've just realised..lol..

who was i f*ckin kiddin..i got no interest in Domming someone..f*ck..

i'm telling him i'm not sure this is what i want and he's telling me to maybe start small and what to do..lol

ya know it's like everyone else i meet..i just can't be bothered..at the end of the day i'd just as soon be alone than be with someone i feel nothing for.

No one is worth your tears,

and the One who is, wont make you cry...


i like that. stole it off someone's profile. it's one of those things i come across occasionally that can bring me back to reality when i start thinking i should be with someone that tried to kill me twice.

there was more..but i liked that first part..however, if i'm going to steal something i guess i had better quote the whole thing eh.

"No one is worth your tears, and the One who is, wont make you cry...If i could be anything i would be your tear so i could be born in your eye, live down your cheek and die on your lips"

not about sex..again..sheeesh

met subbie guy today. by the time morning came i really didn't feel like it. i dunno what's up with that. something seems like a good idea till i have to do it and then i think what the f*ck am i bothering for.

it all seems like such a waste of time. i can't figure out why other than i just don't expect to find anything good. i don't have the desire or the patience to see if something will work.

i still think of psycho exbf everyday. maybe only for a minute some days..maybe longer other days. it hurts less than it used to. i still relate so many things back to him. i don't know why i'm having such a hard time having a life without him.

counselor says it's got nothing to do with him anymore. it's about me not wanting to move on..to start over..fear of starting a new life. whatever? i suppose. it was a bit of a relief to believe that for awhile. the thought that after two years i was still hooked on exbf was f*ckin freakin me out. i can't deny it is getting easier except for the part about moving on. i just can't seem to give anyone new a fair chance.

granted most of the people i've been interested in were looking for casual sex nothing more. maybe that's why i was interested in them? i get tired of meeting guys and having to tell them i don't want to see them a second time. it's burning me out and i'm starting to think it's not worth the trouble of meeting anyone.

i swing back and forth between thinking i should just meet a ton of guys in a short period of time increasing the odds of meeting someone i like to thinking i need to get to know someone online first to increase the odds of liking them when i do meet them.

i probably shouldn't be meeting anyone but f*ck i wanna wipe psycho ex bf from my head for good, i want regular sex, i wanna be with someone who makes me feel good and cares about me again and who doesn't mind leaving a few bruises now and again..

i'm really tired today. headachy..too much coffee. i gotta start getting to bed sooner. hopefully it's just lack of sleep making me feel down.

oh well maybe i will just chill out with subbie guy, order him to clean my house naked while i study and lick my c*nt when he's done. could keep me outta trouble for awhile..

..subbie boys

i'm meeting a subbie guy tomorrow. dunno how this all got going. well maybe it's partly due to my counselor and one of my bestfriends (my icehead girl).

i've been talking to my counselor about the D/s. i think she's beginning to learn more from me than i am from her these days. she was asking me questions about how it worked and stuff.

she knows i've been going after some pretty hardcore people these days or should i say i've encouraged them to come after me.

funny thing is as i was talking to her i realised that some of my bestfriends have been switches. personally i've never felt that attracted to switches. switches? never seen it written in the plural. is that spelled right? :D

anyway, in spite of the fact i've always felt switches play at it i can't deny ending up pretty good friends with some and my psycho ex was probably one if he wasn't sub.

my counselor doesn't think i should be hanging on the D/s sites. i explained that not everyone on there is hardcore Dom. in fact in my opinion most aren't even D/s. they're just looking for chicks that are into kinkier stuff than normal..like oral and anal..lol. ok that's not funny but those are like givens for me. i consider that vanilla.

yea ok you can give it a D/s edge but nevertheless it's still normal stuff.

so yes i'm telling counselor most people are actually fairly vanilla on the D/s sites and just looking to explore or switch or just not hardcore. then i turned to her, rolled my eyes and said but of course those aren't the ones i'm attracted too..she laughed.

i was telling her about my icehead girl and how she dates the subbie boys. she said to me the other day why don't you date subbie boys when i was complaining about something to do with dating Dom men. she tells me the problem is who i'm dating.

i pretty well forgot about it till i was in my counselor's office. counselor starts telling me she thinks it's a good idea. was really weird to hear my counselor endorse anything to do with D/s. that's not usually her way. but she starts telling me that subs and switches are probably alot safer for me and that they would tend to be less controlling..that with my tendency to be submissive in all things, not just sex, subs/switches would be the healthier choice as they wouldn't try to control everything.

pretty tough to go after subbies when i am what alot of 24/7 Dom's are looking for.

however, i got an email from someone here in town out of the blue..not from the D/s sites..asking if he could be my subbie slut..

i probably would have ignored it but when i was with my last real life Master i ran into a similar boy online and kinda got a kick out of copying my Master and trying to Dom this guy. i got so confused though..lol. switching between the two i didn't know what the f*ck was going on.

f*ck i was being punished all the time for not addressing my Master correctly and sounding like little subbie girl with subbie boy..not good..lol.

anyway, it got me so f*cking hot cause of course what turned him on turned me on. i don't really get off on being Domme but there's this weird thing where you get off on doing to someone else what you'd like done to you.

not sure this would work in real life though. but i might give it a shot.

no time to proof this..gotta get some sleep..and i still need to masturbate.

will trade sex for new lingerie

sometimes i wonder what i'm doing. i gave up such an easy life. i wouldn't have had to worry about a thing. well other than spending the rest of my life with someone i wasn't in love with.

i had a dream last night i was in one of those high end lingerie stores. i was looking at a bra for $250..lol. my kid's dad used to buy me stuff like that. it was nice, i miss it.

i think i would have gone nuts a long time ago if not for one of my bestfriends. she left a guy with 50 times more money than my kid's dad. i used to think if she can do it, i can do it.

she often jokes with me that we should go back to these men and spend our weekends in vegas together. she gets tired of it all like me sometimes and thinks about going back but i don't think either one of us would.

i couldn't have done all this without her. it's nice to have someone in my life that understands how it sux that water and ice don't come outta my fridge anymore..f*ck ice cube trays..sheeesh..i threw those away years ago and buying my panties at Walmart..good grief..and having to pay bills and cook and clean house..

i've been waited on hand and foot for years. i can't imagine what makes me think i could be anyone's slave..sexual slave yea..hell, i've more or less been that my whole life..but beyond that..?

get me a cook and a house keeper and i'll do anything You want..lol.

i guess i'm lucky to have had so many years of only having to get up and worry about working out and staying in shape and when and where i was going to meet my current lover.

that's not really true you know. i had to give up a lot for that life. i was a slave to my extended family and their control. they loved me, still do, very much. i don't doubt that, but..but what? i dunno, hard to sum it up in one sentence. they weren't evil. they were just needy and met their needs by placing certain demands on the people in their lives and if those needs weren't met you were punished emotionally. it's all i've ever known.

..and they wonder why all the men in my life were the same way.

i think that was one of the many aspects of D/s that attracted me, if you did something wrong there were specific consequences. you get disciplined physically in some way and then it's over and done with and the slate is wiped clean. none of that emotional childish game playing and abuse and abandonment that could go on indefinately. the same issue thrown in your face for years.

clear cut expectations and consequences. not knowing how severe those consequences might be was half the thrill and excitement.

man i need to sleep in one of these mornings and cut out all this thinking. i need someone laying next to me...