..you masturbate for two f*cking hours on cam...

and they still aren't happy..man oh man. there's just no making some people happy. i need a life. i need someone to come in and take control of this insanity.

thing is i'm ok if i decide i have to do it myself. i use everything i have and know to make it happen. but..the minute i start thinking someone is going to walk in and rescue me i give up trying to do it for myself and everything gets nuts.

...call me totally f*cking stupid...

but do you have to have to have a blog account now to comment on blogs using their system? it's been a few years since i've done this and it worked a little differently back then. tell me i haven't been giving people sh*t for not commenting when they can't. . well technically they could but who the hell would wanna go to the trouble of signing up for blogger just to make a comment.

...couple of my ex's coulda used this...

just stuff

one of my animals is really sick... :( . i'm never going to be done my assignments for tomorrow. i don't even feel like trying.

an old, old bf of mine is contacting me again. well i suppose originally i contacted him when things got crazy and i left last bf couple years ago. hell i think i contacted every exbf i ever had. i felt really lucky and very grateful that they all still cared and were there for me when i needed them. and man did i need them and everyone else i knew to get through that f*cking hell that i created.

anyway, so bf before exbf is contacting me, if we're talking longterm bf's that is. it's tempting to find some comfort with someone that cares and who i have a history with but right now it just all hurts to hear how he's feelin. he still feels about me the way i feel about my last bf and it's just a reminder of things i don't want to be reminded of.

at first it was good. he went through the same thing with me that i went through with last ex so he was able to help me figure out how to get through it somewhat. slightly different situations but basics were the same, how do you get over someone you're still completely in love with but can't be with.

i still don't really know what the deal is. was it an addict thing where i was addicted to the relationship like some people have tried to tell me or maybe it was because it was the first time i'd ever been in love unlike most people that fall in love for the first time when they are teenagers and many times following, learning from experience that you get over it eventually. i still don't really believe i will ever get over it.

i trust what people tell me, the counselors, friends, sponsor..the abusive stuff is addictive. they tell me that sexual abuse creates this atmosphere, an atmosphere that involves being constantly on guard, an adrenaline rush much of the time. you get used to it. in fact life can start to feel boring without it. that's why so many people end up addicted to something, drugs, sex , gambling, all of the above, whatever.

it didn't really make sense at first. how could you like having your life threatened or be addicted to that type of treatment. then i really thought about it and i realised there was this excitement about never really knowing what was going to happen from one minute to the next. i mean i never truly believed he was going to kill me. well when it was actually happening i might have believed and for a time after that but it went away.

i recognized with my last real time Master that i was actually getting a rush out of not really knowing how mad he at me for doing something he didn't like and not knowing what he was going to do to me. i trusted he wouldn't do anything that would truly damage me but there was still this edge to it. i was never sure he wouldn't make me do something i really didn't want to do.

my sponsor was funny the other week. she was talking about addicts and non addicts and how as a recovering addict she still gets these cravings to go to the edge. doesn't matter what it is. sex, drugs, recreation, there's always this desire to go as close to the edge as possible without falling off. she said ask someone normal if they wanna go to the edge with you and they'll look at you like you're nuts and say hell no i don't wanna go to the f*cking edge.

i'm tired. don't wanna finish this now.

G*d sometimes i go back and read some of what i wrote and just shake my head and laugh at how horny i musta been when i wrote it.

i need more sex

j*sus chr*st i just masturbated on cam for like an hour in front of 30 people cause it gets me so freakin drippin wet. first with my fingers and then with my dildo..the one that doesn't make me sore for a week. and i'm still sooooooooo f*cking horny it's ridiculous. omg i need to get f*cked again. this is nuts. i think my slut status was just reinstated.

oh and just a thought. man do people in rooms have bot paranoia. like no one's ever spread their c*nt and masturbated on yahoo before? or am i missing something? i got to sleep or cum again or something..sheeeesh. i need a man. i need two men. i need a f*cking boyfriend. anyone in Canada?

hmmmm...

well i'm not sure that helped a whole lot but it didn't hurt..i think. i may be hornier now than i was before i got f*cked. j*sus now i remember how i used to end up f*cking 3 different guys in one day. it's like a f*cking drug, once i get going i can't stop. think i'm gonna go up and masturbate. sh*t i'm never gonna get these assignments done on time.

f*ck...

i'm so horny i can't concentrate on school and i got a whole buncha stuff due soon.

oh well that's gonna be taken care of at noon...... it's settled, i'm gonna leave the door open and wait naked in bed. works for me.

i gotta get laid today

...or i'm gonna end up inviting a total stranger over by tomorrow nite. i'd rather f*ck someone i've met before although dayum sexy little boy (27yrs old) i was talking to last night was sure tempting...uggghhhhhhh. if i'd been alone..mmmmmmm. i just hate f*cking a guy the first time i meet him though. especially if i don't know him at all. i mean it's not that it's so bad. it's just, i dunno, i don't wanna talk about this right now.

f*cking yahoo is crashing on me like every freakin half hour...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ummm don't suppose anyone would know what that's about huh? .... any computor geeks horny and need a good f*ck?..lol

hmmm speaking of which i know one that really wants to f*ck me and gonna have to get him to come over today. i can't f*cking stand it i'm soooooooooooo horny. masturbating can only carry you for so long.

i met this guy a few weeks ago. he came over to fix my kid's pc. he asked me online later on what i thought..like meaning what i thought about him. i said i thought i was glad he hadn't killed me. i thought that was pretty funny at the time but counselor and sponsor are always on me about this....."you got no boundaries..you can't do this anymore..you're just lucky no one has killed you yet"..blah blah.....so it's hard to laugh about it these days.

still i've improved. i no longer go into chat rooms at 230am and invite strangers over to f*ck me. i asked one of these guys once if he had this happen much. he said you'd be surprised. it wasn't so much about sex back then though. it was more about not knowing how to be alone at night and feeling lonely. it was all a big distraction so i didn't have to deal with my feelings.

haven't met too many men that were so good in bed i wanted them back badly.

oooh finally computor boy is online......

i need a handyman

sh*t my garage door opener is acting up and my car is making weird noises mostly when i turn left. i gotta get the snow tires pulled offa there but i just don't wanna make the time. freakin snow on the ground today too but not enough to need snow tires. i really need a man.

the different guys i was f*cking were taking care of a few things for awhile there. as they were leaving i'd say hey btw you wouldn't happen to know how to...... ?..... ... . one fixed the fireplace. one set up my dvd/vid player so that i could have like the xbox and the playstation and the dvd and the video and the satelite sh*t connected to the one tv.... pretty good trade i'd say, kinky hot sex for handyman skills....... i think i need to start f*cking more men. whatcha think? anyone good with cars? ...

...dayum...

that last one was a monster post. might be worth getting through though to get to the sick sex sh*t at the end. well it's not so sick and it's got nothing to do with sh*t this time. ha!

i hate being fat... sex sh*t

f*ck this thing is slow today.

i hate being fat. it is just no fun being a fat slut. i'm down 20lbs. i figure i have at least 40 to go. probably more like 50 and if i get to 50 i'll try for 70, which would be 90 total. okay f*ck that's alot. forget that i think i'll just deal with the next 20lbs.

being single and fat really sux. being attached and fat is not good either, but there is something just not fair about being single and fat..especially if you used to be ripped and attached.

i really can't blame anyone else. i did it to myself. i did it in response to what was going on in my life at the time. two men i loved were trying to destroy each other and in the process me. i think i ate to try and escape from the pain of it all and maybe somewhere deep down i wanted them both to stop wanting me so the insanity would stop. it didn't work. i just got fat and neither of them cared.

it's really hard to behave normally when you feel so unattractive. i can't help it. there is just nothing appealing about being fat to me, either about myself or others. i was sexually abused by someone old and fat. i think that accounts for my preference for younger, ripped guys. which really sux when you're old and fat...lol. although i must say there are a lot of little boys(over 18yrs old for the record) out there that like older women and they don't seem to care that i'm fat. not that that makes me feel much better. it's me that hates it.

i tend to meet guys i'm not crazy about cause it's safer. i don't want to be rejected by the ones i really like. stupid eh? i've just gone through so much pain the last few years i don't want anymore. not even the tiniest little piece. my counselor laughs over my obsession with being fat and always says to me.."you know caile it's not just fat people that like fat people". i think she's calling me fat...lol. all i know is i need to get back into good shape so i can be normal again. okay i was never normal but so i can regain a little of my lost self esteem.

i dunno maybe it's safer this way for awhile. i would be such a bigger slut if i got back into shape again. there was really nothing i wouldn't do when i looked good.

an old Dom friend of mine, a real sweetie..now there's two things you don't expect to find together.....anyway He had a Domme friend. He met me at her house one day. i'd never met her before. He'd been teaching Her a thing or two. when i got there He met me at the door. She was no where to be seen at that point. He told me to strip naked and i did. He tied my hands behind my back and blindfolded me. He led me over to a couch in the corner and had me bend over the end of it. He spanked me hard for awhile. He always did like to spank me hard and for a long time. my ass was always black and blue after seeing Him. the first time i met Him and he spanked me i couldn't figure out what was dripping down my leg, i thought i'd peed myself and later came to realise my c*nt dripping wet from the spanking he gave me.

after he spanked me he put nipple clamps on me and led me into the bedroom. i suppose he touched me and played with me in between the more memorable stuff but it's all a bit of a blur for me now. don't suppose being blindfolded helped..no visual memories to help me out.

i can't remember too many details about what happened next. i think he spanked me some more, used a flogger on me and then Mistress came in. the rest is a blur of pain and pleasure, of them taking turns spanking me and playing with my c*nt and tits and ass..Mistress sitting on my face and making me lick and suck her c*nt..my Dom friend making her lick and suck my c*nt while he spanked her ass.

i DON'T forget what it was like when he finally took the nipple clamps off. i still had my hands tied behind my back and he went to touch my nipples after he took them off and i just about hit the ceiling.

He used to give me sh*t for not complaining when something was REALLY uncomfortable or really, really hurt. i didn't think i was allowed to complain...lol. He used to laugh at me and tell me i had to tell Him when something was really bad..like when something was hurting me that he didn't intend to have hurt me sorta thing.

i've never told people when they are hurting me, dentists, doctors, hairdressers..i just sit quietly and put up with it even if it gets really bad and they aren't supposed to be hurting me. i don't know why that is. it's not like i enjoy it. there's just this part of me that says..put up with it..it will be over soon. just like when i was sexually assaulted as an adult. i let the guy do it. i could have tried to stop him but this part of me just said..oh well you've been through worse and you're ok..it will be over soon. it's something that feels like such a normal part of myself, something that has always been there, i didn't realise that it wasn't normal. something really f*cked up has to happen before you open your eyes and look at it and consciously recognize there is something wrong with you.

anyway back to the sex, the rest is another big blur of licking and sucking on Him then Her then them on me and spanking and whipping etc, etc. it ended when they fucked me with a champagne bottle full of champagne while they spanked and whipped me. then he made her suck it out of my c*nt. well actually it ended when it made me bleed. i bleed really easily from excessive dildo use in my c*nt or whatever else someone decides to use in me. i don't know why. i cum an awful lot from it though.

it freaked them out a little so they stopped and put me in the shower and we all got dressed.

this was a few years ago now, 4 maybe 5. i still sometimes talk to Him. He'd like me to come back but i don't know, it's the past and i don't know if i want to go back there. it's tempting. i've had lunch with him a couple times recently and it is like taking a break from the insanity to just have someone that knew me before the craziness hold me and talk to me and comfort me.

j*sus we're a sick bunch of f*cks...

now i remember why i don't watch the news anymore. watched Hotel Rwanda. that's one disturbing movie.

i was probably too freakin high still to pay much attention to what was going on in the rest of the world at the time. besides i went through a period where i couldn't take hearing about horrific cr*p like that.

sure makes my sh*t look like a walk in the park.

...i need to get f*cked...

...i can't remember the last time..i'm gonna lose my slut status......

...j*sus you're a quiet lot...

...kid's dad.....

.....went to see kid's dad tonight just to make sure he wasn't dead. he hasn't been answering his phones so we weren't sure if he'd died or was just ignoring us or having one of his f*ck off and leave me alone moments.........

..turns out none of his phones are working. it didn't seem a bit strange to him that he hadn't got a call in 4 days. i'm surprised he was in such a good mood considering how he musta thought no one loved him anymore.

.....i'm glad he was kewl. i hate it when he gets all nasty on me.

..i fixed his phone while he made supper for us. good trade. i can't cook and he can't fix sh*t. probly cause he always cooked for me and i always fixed his sh*t.

.....smartest guy i've ever known, amazingly successful professionally and he couldn't change a f*cking light bulb. well alright i lie, he learned to change light bulbs in the last few years since i been gone.

..it's funny how something can drive you crazy cause you've never experienced what it would be like to live with the total opposite. well G*d got me back and good when i was with exbf.

.....i'd never been with anyone that could fix stuff and put things together till i met him. he helped me put some furniture together one night and i'm trying to tell him what to do and being the control freak that he was he's freaking at me...lol...in the end i just let him be and we only had to take apart a couple bits cause he doesn't read instructions. gave me a new appreciation for kid's dad who i could order around...lol.

..then there was the whole driving thing. kid's dad is so laid back driving he's usually going under the speed limit unless he's going through a playground zone in which case he usually gets a speeding ticket. exbf is 2 feet off the guys bumper in front of him at all times whether he's doing 50 clicks or 120 clicks an hour and swearing every 2min at everyone else on the road. i went awhile without saying something. it was really stressful being in a vehicle with him. eventually i told him i couldn't take it anymore and he stopped. just like that. i'm still not sure if he was that in control of himself that he could just stop or if it was a subbie thing. he always told me if there was anything i didn't like to tell him and he would change it.

.....anyway, damn, i have to get some sleep..i gotta stop this 2am crap.....oops forgot i told Master i wouldn't do this anymore

...the chicken or the egg...

...i dunno what comes first.....starting to feel a little lonely which leads me to thinking of my exbf..or thinking of my exbf and starting to feel a little lonely...

.....i'm not supposed to think about him..that's what my counselor told me.....i've been seeing her since he tried to kill me and i left him..

..there's a part of me that just can't totally let go.....i don't know why..i don't get it.....well i could guess at a few reasons.....counselor says it's not about him anymore..it's about not wanting to move on...about being terrified to start a new life......easier to just stay in the past..safer somehow i suppose even though it hurts..

.....he'd be really proud of a lot of the stuff i've done and things i've changed....he'd hate this..he'd hate what i was doing online...he was the one that dragged me out of this bullsh*t years ago.....rescued me from myself....first person i can remember ever protecting me..both from myself and others....

..it's not really that it hurts badly right in this moment.....it's the memories that hurt.....it's thinking back and letting myself remember...remembering so clearly what i felt..like the time we were in my bed together early on in the first few months...i was sitting on top of him...straddling his hips...i'd slid my pussy slowly down onto his hard cock until he was filling me up and i was slowly f*cking him......i looked down....i looked down into his eyes...he was looking back into mine..i felt something i'd never felt before...i saw something in his eyes i'd never seen before...it was like connecting to someones...i dunno...it sounds stupid......but something changed after that..normally i would have looked away right away....i wouldn't want anyone to be able to see inside me..what i was thinking or feeling in that moment...but that time i didn't..

....i had this natural urge to tell him i loved him after that night...it wasn't really a conscious thing...i would go to say it without realising it until a second before i was about to say it and then i would stop myself.....we were both so cautious...i think we were both scared to admit we felt anything..he had to bring it up in the end.....i never would have...i would never give someone the power to hurt me like that unless i knew without a doubt it was safe....

..i never look at the people i f*ck now....never look into their eyes for more than a second..i keep my eyes shut tight mostly....i don't want to see what is there cause there's nothing there to see anymore....

...sometimes..

...all this crap distracts me and stops me from thinking...and once in awhile i'm reminded of how meaningless it all is and how alone i really am...

HTML anyone?

...i've forgotten half the HTML i used to know so if anyone remembers how to stop graphics from getting that little square box around them can you let me know please so i don't have to go searching through all my sh*t to find it...thx

...i am NEVER having unprotected sex again...

..i woke up the other morning and i'm so sore i start thinking...omg i've got herpes!!...i try not to think about it...end up phoning the STD clinic...nurse is busy so i can't talk to her...couple hours later i'm even more sore and i'm thinking...ok i REALLY do have herpes..and what a f*cking IDIOT i am for having unprotected sex with a couple of the guys i was with....like how NOT worth it..not that i had much choice with 2 out of 4 cause they were Dom and forced me...f*cking jerkoffs..the other two couldn't get a hardon with a condom on which is why i won't f*ck or date people my age or older...yea yea i know not everyone has this problem at 40 but too many do...and i just don't need someone getting me all worked up to then tell me they can't f*ck with a condom...

.....how f*cking stupid to be so careless at my age...uggghhhhhhhhh

..anyway after another hour or so i can't stand it anymore, talk to Master then i jump in the car and head down to the walk in clinic less than a minute from where i live wondering if it's a good idea to be going somewhere so close to home and thinking oh f*ck it i don't care...

.....it's not busy and i get right in....i tell the doc i've diagnosed myself with an STD...lol.....well i actually said i think i have an STD...he asks me why yada yada yada...tells me most STD's don't have many symptoms etc and he'll take a look...he asks when i was last tested...i tell him within the last month...ok so i'm kinda freakin paranoid about this stuff.......

.....we have to change rooms and he asks if i want a nurse there...hell i'm thinking i don't care just tell me what i got!!...so i tell him i don't care...

..as i sit there i'm thinking ok G*d if there is like anyway you can do something about this after i've already gone and f*cked up can you like do it please..

.....he comes back...i assume the position and he starts taking a look and he can't see a f*cking thing...???.....asks me to show him where...it was really quite funny....there i am on my back..legs in stirrups..spread wide and now i've got my hands down there spreading myself even more and trying to point to where it hurts the most....couldn't help but find it pretty damn humerous seeing as i'm doing this on cam all the time anyway...

..so he thinks he sees a scratch but nothing else..and i'm starting to think.....uh oh...i was using a dildo very recently, a dildo i've never used on myself, a pretty new dildo... and i'm not really used to using one anymore..when i masturbate i like to just use my fingers.....so unless someone else wants to f*ck me with one (and they tend to want to put it in my ass not my c*nt)...or i'm playing on cam i don't usually use a dildo.....oh or if i've gone a really long time without getting f*cked but that doesnt happen too often..

....anyway he indulges me and takes a culture but says i definately don't have herpes...pheeeew...thank you G*d

..so if you been wondering why i won't use a dildo on cam....well i've been too f*cking sore...and i only do it when i want to anyway......

.....i'm not going to be using that dildo again on myself..that's the pink one in the pics....i bought it as part of a strap on that i used on a little boy i was f*cking for awhile....(18yrs old-but that's a whole other story)..i used a condom on it when i was f*cking him in the ass with it and all that so it's not that it wasn't clean etc.....think it's either to do with what it's made of...and maybe i'm sensitive to it or i just went a bit overboard that night i was using on myself....

..something else that occurred to me after the fact as well.....i've been studying STDS at university...and you know that thing residents get when they are in med school?...i forget what it's called but it's where they start thinking they have just about every disease they study......well i think this coulda had something to do with what was going on for me....hell i didn't know that damn near 50% of the population has herpes till i read about it last month..i've f*cked at least 50 guys and most of those were in the last year....statistically someone had to have it..apparently not the 4 i didn't use a condom with though thank g*d....although you can get herpes even with using a condom and most people don't even know they have herpes amazingly enough..scary