if this rain doesn't let up soon i'm gonna be jumping off a f*cking bridge.
It was hard to decide whether to keep taking the anti d's. Sunday was a total write off. So many people are against anti depressants. It's that old..u don't need drugs thing..pull yourself together crap that still gets in my head at times.
As a nurse i know it's bullshit. No one would tell a diabetic to pull themselves together and start producing insulin just as no one would tell someone schizophrenic to go off their meds and make themselves stop hearing voices in their head through sheer strength of will.....but everyone is an expert when it comes to depression. Just "suck it up..be strong..you don't need drugs..stop feeling sorry for yourself..there are lots of people in worse situations than you..look at your kids, don't they make you happy?"
F*ck..most people have no idea. Oh yea on top of everything make me feel guilty for feeling like crap..make me think i'm f*cked cause i'm not happy even though i have great kids..make me feel ungrateful because soooo many people have it worse than me. You know what happens when i hear that sh*t? I start thinking about wanting to die..cause i must really be one useless person to not be happy under such great circumstances.
It's not that i actually would kill myself..but i'll be taking my pills and i'll think..hmm i have quite a few pills here..if i took them all.....blah blah.
The only people i know who understand there are times people need antidepressants are my doctor and my counselor and a few friends that have needed them in the past or are still on them.
My parents, psycho exbf, other friends, sponsor..they are all against taking them. Kinda funny when they are on everything from heart pills to thyroid pills..allergy meds to pain killers. They're all on something but man mention anti d's and you'd think we were talking heroin.
Personally i think i've been depressed from a very young age. I think it is a big part of the reason i did drugs and got addicted. I believe it's all related to the abuse and controlling parents and all that sh*t. I think it has many effects including depression. People don't always understand what depression can be.
Sure it can be feelin so low you want to die but it can also be getting up and not wanting to do anything..nothing. Yet at the same time you want to want to do something but nothing you think or do will give you that feeling of really wanting to do something. It's different than just not feeling like doing something you don't enjoy..it's truly not bein able to find one tiny little ounce of joy in doing something..anything.
At some point you just have to start doing and hope that it kickstarts some feeling. Most times it seems that feeling is short lived and you go back to how you were feeling within a few hours. Then the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats until you lose all hope of ever feeling normal again.
I remember the first time i went on anti d's. I think my first thoughts were..omg this is what it feels like to feel normal..to have normal motivation and desire. I couldn't believe i'd gone my whole life never feeling that.
I believe if someone would have caught my depression earlier..say in my early 20's things would have been a lot different for me. i don't think i would have wasted 20 yrs of my life getting high everyday. i think i might have got help alot sooner for the cr*ap that happened to me when i was younger if someone would have recognized there was a problem and tried to find out why. i'm not using the childhood cr*p as an excuse for anything..it just is..and because of it i'm different than what i was going to be before it happened. personally i'm grateful to be me even when i feel like cr*p cause at least i'm awake and not walking around in a bubble like most people.
