and will you stop telling me i sleep alot..

for f*cks sake. i go to bed at 2am every nite and sleep till 715am. that's 5 and a half hours duhhhhhhhhhh. so yea i occasionally nap during the day cause i'm someone that needs 8hrs.

i live in canada..check your f*cking time zone before you keep telling me to get the fuck up at 4am. j*sus fucking chr*st. i need a spanking bad.

i feel like f*ckin crap again...

f*ck up and down up and down...usually i enjoy that :P i don't usually cycle this fast. it's like good day, bad day, good day, bad day.

i'm lonely again. i was last night. i get bitchy at people when i feel like that. makes me feel like telling the whole world to f*ck off. even the people i like. cept big M..maybe that's cause he's around everyday.

it's really weird to recognize that i start feeling abandoned and then i wanna reject everyone..even the people that care. i knew i shoulda stuck with that abandonment counselor.

i feel like telling the whole world to f*ck off right now.

met someone i'm interested in. that's a miracle. he doesn't live here though but come here fairly regularly. probably a bit too close to the extreme end of things. counselor would not like that much. sponsor would freak. f*ck he's cute though, 6 foot something, 30, in awesome shape. and he's just into BBW's. f*ck i can't believe i even qualify as one.

my computor is f*cked. keeps wanting to go off battery so it's constantly shutting down. f*cking stupid piece of sh*t. who told me they hated their "blank"? it's gotta be the power cord.

well i'm gonna be gone most of the morning.

i'm p*ssed off at something. trying to figure out if i'm depressed. it's not like i start moping around when i get depressed. for me i stop wanting to do stuff..like anything..like brushing my teeth and making the bed and sh*t and i get p*ssed off at the world. i really don't wanna go back on anti-d's. they make you fat and i'm already fat enough.

Salmon, R. (1995). Therapist Guide to 12-Step Meetings for Sexual Dependencies. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity the Journal of Treatment and Prevention 2(3) pg. 193

"This week more than 40,000 persons will attend a local peer group made up of persons struggling with the consequences of sexually damaging behaviors."

bet that's gone up a tad since 1995.

intravenous drug use...

i dunno how many people realise what a huge iv drug problem Vancouver has. 30% of them have HIV and over 90% have hep C. half my friends have had or have hep C. doesn't seem like any big deal to me now. well other than how sick it can make you and what you have to go through to get well.

i remember a friend outside the program spending the day with me. we talked about anything and everything while walking all around downtown. at one point he mentioned there was something he didn't wanna talk about. i talked him into telling me and it was that he has had hep C. i almost laughed..instead i smiled and said.. "don't worry about it..most of my friends have hep C or have had it". he was so relieved and surprised even though he knew my history. he thought i wouldn't like him or would be freaked out or somethin bein the little suburban momma that i am. it's become so normal to me now though.

it's similar to the idea one of my friends and i were talking one night about relapsing and how dangerous it is, partly cause you go all out cause you know you're gonna have to stop again at some point but partly cause nothing scares you anymore. i'm not saying i'd go start sticking needles in my arm but it doesn't scare me like it used to. half my friends used to be junkies. it just doesn't seem that bad.

now crack..and crank..that's a whole different thing. my crackhead/icehead buddies are whacked man. i mean they are awesome friends and i love them and they've helped me so much..but omg they have a tough time gettin off that stuff. i wouldn't go f*cking near it if you put a gun to my head. i'd shoot f*ckin heroin first.

...uni...it's all about ME... ;)

it is really freaky some of the course material i'm taking the last few months. some of it was on the particular autoimmune problem i have. some was on death and dying. G*d it's no wonder i've been f*cked up lately. i did a lot of thinking about when i thought i was going to die. all that studying on death and the stages and all that cr*p. f*ck i relate far too well to it all. that feeling of disengaging from things and people.

then there was the STD theory that i talked about before when i became obsessed with thinking i had herpes. that was a bit of a reality check. i use condoms 98% of the time and it would be 100% of the time if not for a few f*ckheads.

now i'm doing this whole section on depression, obsessive/compulsive disorders, eating disorders, sexual abuse, domestic violence, workplace violence and abuse, low self esteem, anger, . f*ck the last few months have been all about me. now there's a little demonstration of my self centeredness.

f*ck it basically sums up the last 5 yrs of my life. it really is no wonder i've been obsessing about exbf and just generally getting twisted.

i had no idea that one third of all nurses have a history of childhood physical abuse and sexual abuse. one or two Dom friends have mentioned to me that a high number of subs are involved in "helping" type professions.

...i f*cked computor guy this aft...

i was f*cking horny and i can't be bothered to meet someone i don't know. he's too f*ckin quick as those of you that watched me masturbate for an hour and a half after he left probably guessed... it's lunch for him so he doesn't have a lot of time. still it's convenient and it takes the edge off and it's someone i can count on. sick of being messed around.

...that last post has seriously...

f*cked me up. counselor said i'm not to talk about him anymore. i dunno. obviously something is very f*cking wrong when i can sit and cry half the morning over it. i can't believe i've had this much counseling and i'm still f*cked up when it comes to this guy. i think someone is missing something.

the past..it's a monster post..get thru this and you really do luv me..:P~~

last week or so my head keeps going to the same place. it's not somewhere i'm prone to go to. it involves my exbf. yea, him again. i've talked about the freaky stuff to friends, counselor, sponsor..... i've written about it..i think about it. i've never really talked about how it all ended. i think it's part of what f*cked me up over this whole thing.

he had threatened to kill me again. i 911'ed him. cops came and took him out. after that i was terrified. he could see my house from his house. for awhile i didn't open the garage without first being in the car with the doors locked or i wouldn't get out of the car until the garage door was shut and i was fairly certain no one had slipped in.

i can't remember how long that went on for. less than a month for certain. i had been sitting on the fence again for awhile, knowing i had to go back to my kid's dad and try to make it work, while at the same time i couldn't make that decision. i remember praying for G*d to help me out. the next day he tried to kill me. the choice was made clear.

at that time i never expected to see him again. i think he probably contacted me online. i talked with him. i could never have cut him off entirely, no matter what he did to me. over time, a few days maybe, he begins talking about the idea that he must see me one last time because he can't live with the idea that the last time he saw me was the time he tried to kill me.

i probably didn't like the idea at first, again i can't remember all the details, i just remember talking to my counselor about it and having her say it was okay as long as we met in a very public place. so that became the plan.

what actually happened was late one night we were talking. online? on the phone? we ended up agreeing to meet in the middle of the road between our two houses. looking back now it doesn't surprise me i would do that. i do a lot of risky things with people i don't even know.

i remember most clearly ending up on my front step talking for a long time. i don't remember exactly what about, i just remember sitting next to him. i think we had planned to say goodbye and i moved to the door and stood talking to him like that for awhile. shortly after that we ended up sitting on the bottom of the stairs leading up to the bedrooms by the front door talking some more.

how i went from meeting someone i was terrified of in the middle of the road to laying next to them in my bed i don't know. i don't think we even had sex that night. we just lay and cuddled together. he was like that. it was one of the things i loved about him, he never let sex take control and override whatever else was going on like everyone else i'd ever known. if i needed to cuddle and he needed to f*ck, we cuddled. no attitude, no turning over and ignoring me, no punishment..he cuddled me and gave me what i needed.

i don't expect to find that ever again and that is part of the reason i can't move on entirely.

i have little memory for the time frame or what we did or said. i just have little flashes of that time. i think it was 3 days.

all i know is we spent about 3 days together. i was just as much in love with him as i had been and him too of course. i wanted to cry frequently and did. i would ask him how he could be with me and not want to cry the whole time and he said that 3 days from now if he spent this time crying he would regret it. i don't know how he did it.

i remember him trying to fit everything he wanted me to know in that short period of time. i think i wrote it all down somewhere, it was stuff like to be strong, to not go back to using drugs, to tell the people in my life what i needed "because we can't read your mind", remember to spend time with my kids, don't speed with my kids in the car (smile).....and on and on like that. i just cried some more.

i still have the emails he sent me during that time and it hurts so much to read them so i don't. i've maybe looked at them once or twice over the last couple years. it's all part of the reason i can't understand why he won't be with me again. i wonder sometimes if he got rid of all that sorta stuff. probably, he always said if something was causing problems he got rid of it and i know they've caused me problems and taken me back to something that doesn't exist anymore.

i shouldn't even be writing this here. if he ever stumbled across this site accidently he would know it was me. i don't want anyone to know about the things i'm doing now and how i've gone back to behavior i never thought i'd do again.

the three most memorable things he told me were, get rid of the stomach (*sshole). i'd gained a lot of weight from the first time i met him till those last few days, all related to the pain and confusion i was going through. i couldn't drug myself or smoke or f*ck my way out of it so i ate my way through it.

the second thing was lose the jacket. i had a sorta ?basketball winter jacket thingy with a hood he hated. one of the first things i did when i went back to my kid's dad was go spend 500 bucks on a new coat. last xmas i spent another 500 bucks on another one..lol..just to be certain i didn't have to wear the old one again. which i actually do wear occasionally just to throw on to take kids to school etc..hell i don't wanna bum around in a 500 buck coat, not now i'm on my own again anyway.

the third thing was, stick with the purse. i'd used a fanny pack instead of a purse for a few years cause i hung with alot of guys and hated being the only one who had to drag a purse around. these days i use nothing. i stick a little wallet with my visa and drivers license in my pocket along with my cell and that's it. i used a purse for a little while when i first stopped using the fanny pack. that was when exbf told me how much he hated it. never used one since.

now if only losing the weight was as easy as throwing away a fanny pack and buying a new coat.

so, where was i, oh yea he was giving me a life times advice in under 3 days. he said that one day he was going to be rich and he was going to come and get me. and people wonder why i'm so f*cked up about this?? he owned his own company and so it's possible that he will be successful. hardest working guy i ever met. it wasn't really something he said dead serious, it was just something he said to make me smile for a few seconds.

it was strange some of the things that came up in those few days. i don't know how we'd get talking about some of the stuff. one of the most..i dunno how to even describe it..but it's one of those moments in your life that changes everything. i was sexually assaulted in my 30's. i would use the word molested if i had been a kid at the time. i could have stopped it. no one knew what was happening and i DID NOT want it to happen or like it, but i was almost powerless to stop it. i don't totally understand that, i know it has to do with sexual abuse etc. i can remember sitting there and thinking.."oh well i've been through worse and it had no effect on me..this is nothing...it will all be over and done with soon".

i know afterwards i realised there was something wrong with me for letting someone do that to me but i didn't know what to do or who to talk to. i told my kid's dad about it and he didn't really say much as far as i remember today and did nothing. so as i was talking to exbf about it all of a sudden i turn to him and said, would you have been mad at me if i'd come home and told you i'd let that happen..and he looked at me and he said, "i'd have gone and killed the guy".

not many people will understand the effect that had on me. i musta cried for a long time after that. you don't know what it's like to have people in your life your entire life that don't stand up for you and protect you from other people, from yourself. it's always about what you did wrong, why didn't you do something, what did you do to cause someone to act that way blah blah blah.

G*d when he said that to me, it was a feeling i can't begin to describe. it was like it somehow fixed so many past hurts. it was probably the very beginning of when i first started to see what my life was really all about and how i'd been living in a haze my entire life.

the sex during that time was f*cking incredible. funny how that works. when you are cheating or you know your time is limited there is an edge to it that you just don't get with normal sex. i would never have seen it so clearly if things hadn't played out the way they did. i wanted it to be the best sex he ever had..why?..oh because i loved him more than anything, there was that to be sure, but i also never wanted him to forget me..ever. being the self centered bitch i am i wanted him to think about me for the rest of his life. sex can be amazing but nothing is as good as incredible sex with someone you are in love with.

the last night we slept together he was awake all night. everytime i woke up throughout the night he was awake watching me. i asked him why he didn't sleep and he said he wanted that night to last forever and he didn't want to go to sleep and wake up and have it be over.

i thought i was going to die those first few months without him. i wanted to.

he would always ask me who i belonged to throughout the time we were together..

before i left he said to me you're going to belong to me forever aren't you..no matter what and i said yes.

...then he spread my ass cheeks and slid his...

just kiddin.

man i feel crappy..like physically..not in my head this time..well in my head but not like i'm losing my mind, wanna go jump off a bridge in my head. i think i forgot to take my pills yesterday. it's gonna be fun coming off these pills and i think i will pretty soon. i can think of more than a few things to spend 200 bucks on. insurance doesn't cover them because they are considered "lifestyle" drugs. ha..they stop me from wanting to puke up my food when i start thinking i'm too fat. yea that's a lifestyle most would rather not partake in.


apart from this headache my head is doin real well actually. had a great weekend. hung with all my straight buddies. well ya know..straight as in don't use..don't use mind altering substances.


they're all totally f*cked as far as anything else goes which is why i luuuuuuuuv them so much..they're just like me.


it's so great for getting my head back where it needs to be. finishing up my assigments this week didn't hurt either. i'll have a little break from uni pretty soon.


ummm i'm sure i came here to write about something else..oh well...sex maybe? g*d if i don't get some soon i'm gonna have to write about the 50 guys i was with last year. i'm so f*ckin horny right now. computor guy is looking pretty good right about now. hmmm even subby boy. guess it depends if i want a quick hard f*ck or my c*nt licking for an hour..mmmmmmmmmm.....maybe both?

i'm gonna have to f*ck the computor guy again...

my laptop senses it's plugged into power for about 3 seconds max then switches to battery. ugggggggghhhhhhhhh..f*ck. the screen is flashing every few f*cking seconds as it switches from battery to AC and back.

and yahoo.....well yahoo is crashing every 5min. j*sus i'm ready to give up chatting entirely. it wouldn't be so bad but everytime yahoo crashes i can't shut it down and i have to pull the battery out of the laptop.