random thoughts...
i spent the morning cleaning up around here because my parents were coming over. by the time they left the day was over and it was gone 5pm.
i dunno what it is but i get so irritated by them at times. i'm good for a few hours and then i've had enough. it's like after awhile there's all this useless talk about nothing. i'm probably being ignorant..i dunno..i just can't stand useless small talk.
no that's not it..it's when my mom goes on and on about how wonderful someone is..a distant relative..someone on tv. it just hits on something inside me and i f*cking hate it!! it's always the same f*cking relative. she'll get fixated on one person and every single time she talks about them you gotta hear about how f*cking great and perfect they are and i guess it just reminds me of how not f*cking perfect i am. which actually i don't really give a sh*t about..it's knowing how not perfect they think i am and knowing they'd give anything for me to be the person she's bragging about.
at least that's the way i see it. she's always done it which is probably why i find it so f*cking irritating. it used to be this other cousin of mine and in the last few years it's switched to the daughter of another cousin that she goes on and on about. omg. i guess it's my own insecurity that does it. or maybe that's not it. i just find it f*cking irritating as all hell to hear someone go on and on about one person like they walked on f*cking water or something. like wtf am i supposed to say..oh how nice..like i've heard it 50 f*cking thousand times..i'm sick of it. i should probly just tell her. it's f*cking nauseating. but no i sit and listen to it for the 100th f*ckin time..how perfect so and so's house is blah blah blah. it makes me feel like a piece of sh*t and it's irritating as all f*cking hell. and people that go on like that..they aren't having a conversation..they're talking at you. like what are you going to say when they just keep going on and on about the same thing? you just keeping nodding your head and saying "oh yea".."uh huh".."oh yea".."uh huh". maybe that's what makes it so bad..it's a one way conversation. f*ck.
i dunno..weird dynamics and my counselor is on vacation for another 6weeks..so i can either talk about it with my sponsor or go see my old marriage counselor who knows me and my situation..especially the situation with my parents and see what she's got to say. i've been thinking it might not be a bad thing to see what she thinks of the whole exbf situation. my counselor isn't sure what to think. she's never come across anyone who's stayed so tied in to someone for so long.
i'm so f*cking broke though. i had 600 bucks a week ago. i came into some money unexpectedly and i was so grateful cause i didn't know how i was gonna buy food till the end of the month.. well i knew..i would have to use my "close to the limit" visa.
so what do i do? i go and f*cking spend it all. all of it. on just stuff. lots of fish stuff for starters. it's an addiction i guess like everything else i do. well maybe not exactly an addiction..well yea maybe it is cause it makes me forget everything and i'm obsessed with going and getting the latest thing that i just HAVE to have. hard to believe but it numbs me out. i don't really realise what i'm doing till i check my bank account, if i bother to check at all, and all the money is gone. then it hits me. i was going to make an extra payment on visa, buy some food, not to mention there was lots of stuff i truly could have used..like useful stuff.
ugghh i feel f*cked up lately. i binged out tonight..not enough to be puking..yet anyway. i f*cking hate that. i don't get it. part of it is the meds i'm on. they truly make me think i'm hungry just like if you smoked a joint. but the other part, i don't understand how i can want something so bad, have done it before, have a dozen reasons why i really, really need to get back into shape and i won't do it. i workout but i won't get a grip on the food. i don't get it. i gotta go see my marriage counselor. my own counselor doesn't say much about it. she seems to think when i've truly let go of my exbf the weight will come off. well if my weight is any indication i haven't even begun to let go.
i've been dreaming about him lately. whenever things get a bit f*cked up i start dreaming about him like he's going to pop back into my life and rescue me, fix everything..which is totally f*cking stupid because all he'll do is make it hell again. but f*ck there was some good stuff there too..some really good stuff or it wouldn't be so hard to let it go.
the books i read about this stuff explains that really addictive relationships are the ones that are abusive and incredibly loving at the same time. it creates this intensity that you won't find in any other relationship. it makes the bond that much deeper and more difficult to break.. so they say.
i was listening to one of my 12 step speaker tapes over the last day or two. there's one girl whose background is bad..sexually abused by a relative as a kid, on the street at like 14, prostituted herself, given away at 15 to some guy just out of jail, hooked on heroin by 16. it's about as bad as it gets and i so totally relate to alot of what she says it's freaky even though i've never spent a day on the street.
...but for the grace of G*d there go i. that used to be my fave saying. i can remember around 13 or 14 having it all figured out. my parents would be pissed off and not talking to me at all because of something i'd done. and i mean like my mom would walk around like i didn't exist. she'd pretend i wasn't in the room or that i hadn't just come home..and when she did acknowledge me she'd look at me with such disgust you'd think i'd just murdered the dog.
g*d it all seemed so normal back then. now as an adult i think about it and i think how f*cking horrible to be treated like that as a child. i'd lay in my bed at night and accept the fact that this time i was done..i'd finally done something so bad they were done with me and i'd have to go live on the street. i was quite calm about the fact i'd just go be a prostitute. i wonder what percentage of teen girls think like that? it was the most natural thinking in the world to me. what else are you going to do at 13.
anyway, she goes on to explain how this guy, 15 yrs older than her wins her heart. apparently, she tells him about the family member who forced her to have sex and this guy goes and beats the cr*p out of the guy almost killing him. she says in this tape and i swear to g*d i have said the exact same words about my exbf..she says he was the first person in her life to ever protect her..the first person that would go beat another person half to death just because they hurt her. that is EXACTLY how i felt about my exbf. he was the first guy that ever tried to protect me. i had no idea that really it's cause they're f*cked up too. normal people don't go around beating the cr*p out of other people. well i don't think so. i dunno. to be 39 yrs old and not know what it's like to have someone in your life protect you..well i thought he was absolutely amazing..till he tried to kill me too.
it's powerful stuff to know that the person by your side will go after anyone that hurts you with a vengeance. no one had done that for me, not my parents, my husband, other boyfriends, no one. all anyone else wanted was sex..and if my f*cked upness meant more sex for them then they had no problem using that to get what they wanted.
f*ck it's late..i have to get goin.
i dunno what it is but i get so irritated by them at times. i'm good for a few hours and then i've had enough. it's like after awhile there's all this useless talk about nothing. i'm probably being ignorant..i dunno..i just can't stand useless small talk.
no that's not it..it's when my mom goes on and on about how wonderful someone is..a distant relative..someone on tv. it just hits on something inside me and i f*cking hate it!! it's always the same f*cking relative. she'll get fixated on one person and every single time she talks about them you gotta hear about how f*cking great and perfect they are and i guess it just reminds me of how not f*cking perfect i am. which actually i don't really give a sh*t about..it's knowing how not perfect they think i am and knowing they'd give anything for me to be the person she's bragging about.
at least that's the way i see it. she's always done it which is probably why i find it so f*cking irritating. it used to be this other cousin of mine and in the last few years it's switched to the daughter of another cousin that she goes on and on about. omg. i guess it's my own insecurity that does it. or maybe that's not it. i just find it f*cking irritating as all hell to hear someone go on and on about one person like they walked on f*cking water or something. like wtf am i supposed to say..oh how nice..like i've heard it 50 f*cking thousand times..i'm sick of it. i should probly just tell her. it's f*cking nauseating. but no i sit and listen to it for the 100th f*ckin time..how perfect so and so's house is blah blah blah. it makes me feel like a piece of sh*t and it's irritating as all f*cking hell. and people that go on like that..they aren't having a conversation..they're talking at you. like what are you going to say when they just keep going on and on about the same thing? you just keeping nodding your head and saying "oh yea".."uh huh".."oh yea".."uh huh". maybe that's what makes it so bad..it's a one way conversation. f*ck.
i dunno..weird dynamics and my counselor is on vacation for another 6weeks..so i can either talk about it with my sponsor or go see my old marriage counselor who knows me and my situation..especially the situation with my parents and see what she's got to say. i've been thinking it might not be a bad thing to see what she thinks of the whole exbf situation. my counselor isn't sure what to think. she's never come across anyone who's stayed so tied in to someone for so long.
i'm so f*cking broke though. i had 600 bucks a week ago. i came into some money unexpectedly and i was so grateful cause i didn't know how i was gonna buy food till the end of the month.. well i knew..i would have to use my "close to the limit" visa.
so what do i do? i go and f*cking spend it all. all of it. on just stuff. lots of fish stuff for starters. it's an addiction i guess like everything else i do. well maybe not exactly an addiction..well yea maybe it is cause it makes me forget everything and i'm obsessed with going and getting the latest thing that i just HAVE to have. hard to believe but it numbs me out. i don't really realise what i'm doing till i check my bank account, if i bother to check at all, and all the money is gone. then it hits me. i was going to make an extra payment on visa, buy some food, not to mention there was lots of stuff i truly could have used..like useful stuff.
ugghh i feel f*cked up lately. i binged out tonight..not enough to be puking..yet anyway. i f*cking hate that. i don't get it. part of it is the meds i'm on. they truly make me think i'm hungry just like if you smoked a joint. but the other part, i don't understand how i can want something so bad, have done it before, have a dozen reasons why i really, really need to get back into shape and i won't do it. i workout but i won't get a grip on the food. i don't get it. i gotta go see my marriage counselor. my own counselor doesn't say much about it. she seems to think when i've truly let go of my exbf the weight will come off. well if my weight is any indication i haven't even begun to let go.
i've been dreaming about him lately. whenever things get a bit f*cked up i start dreaming about him like he's going to pop back into my life and rescue me, fix everything..which is totally f*cking stupid because all he'll do is make it hell again. but f*ck there was some good stuff there too..some really good stuff or it wouldn't be so hard to let it go.
the books i read about this stuff explains that really addictive relationships are the ones that are abusive and incredibly loving at the same time. it creates this intensity that you won't find in any other relationship. it makes the bond that much deeper and more difficult to break.. so they say.
i was listening to one of my 12 step speaker tapes over the last day or two. there's one girl whose background is bad..sexually abused by a relative as a kid, on the street at like 14, prostituted herself, given away at 15 to some guy just out of jail, hooked on heroin by 16. it's about as bad as it gets and i so totally relate to alot of what she says it's freaky even though i've never spent a day on the street.
...but for the grace of G*d there go i. that used to be my fave saying. i can remember around 13 or 14 having it all figured out. my parents would be pissed off and not talking to me at all because of something i'd done. and i mean like my mom would walk around like i didn't exist. she'd pretend i wasn't in the room or that i hadn't just come home..and when she did acknowledge me she'd look at me with such disgust you'd think i'd just murdered the dog.
g*d it all seemed so normal back then. now as an adult i think about it and i think how f*cking horrible to be treated like that as a child. i'd lay in my bed at night and accept the fact that this time i was done..i'd finally done something so bad they were done with me and i'd have to go live on the street. i was quite calm about the fact i'd just go be a prostitute. i wonder what percentage of teen girls think like that? it was the most natural thinking in the world to me. what else are you going to do at 13.
anyway, she goes on to explain how this guy, 15 yrs older than her wins her heart. apparently, she tells him about the family member who forced her to have sex and this guy goes and beats the cr*p out of the guy almost killing him. she says in this tape and i swear to g*d i have said the exact same words about my exbf..she says he was the first person in her life to ever protect her..the first person that would go beat another person half to death just because they hurt her. that is EXACTLY how i felt about my exbf. he was the first guy that ever tried to protect me. i had no idea that really it's cause they're f*cked up too. normal people don't go around beating the cr*p out of other people. well i don't think so. i dunno. to be 39 yrs old and not know what it's like to have someone in your life protect you..well i thought he was absolutely amazing..till he tried to kill me too.
it's powerful stuff to know that the person by your side will go after anyone that hurts you with a vengeance. no one had done that for me, not my parents, my husband, other boyfriends, no one. all anyone else wanted was sex..and if my f*cked upness meant more sex for them then they had no problem using that to get what they wanted.
f*ck it's late..i have to get goin.
posted by masters_lil_slutty_grl at 11:59 PM
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