sex

i had the worst f*cking sex of my entire f*cking life two nights ago.

i think the universe puts up with our bullsh*t when we're ignorant and starting out and trying to get things right for the first time. after that, you get slammed. i think i just got slammed.

i haven't met a stranger for sex in quite some time. well if you don't count the guy that gave me 200 bucks. that's a whole other f*cked up topic. anyway, yes i think the last person i had sex with was the 18yr old. a few nights ago i was gonna hook up with him again cause as i've probably said before it's sweet and nice and normal. well if he hasn't talked me into using a strap on on him. :P

the night with the 18yr old didn't work out. it got late etc etc and we both decided to leave it basically. i had almost hooked up with someone else i only know through chatting online either that night or the next night, i don't remember. at the last minute i got a little put off by something he said and i changed my mind and he left p*ssed. i think that was probably the start of the lonely feelings creeping in, not to mention being horny. it just threw me off, someone being mad at me, i think?

so next thing i know i'm meeting some other guy i really don't know that well. 'bout the same age as the other guy, 26. well, how someone ends up not knowing how to have sex at 26 i dunno. it was the worst f*cking experience of my entire f*cking life.

a year ago i woulda given anything for someone to treat me like a gf even though i was just a one night f*ck and for them to sleep over. this guy did all that and wanted to do stuff with me the next day. after a couple hours i was completely f*cking weirded out and thank G*d i have some degree of assertiveness these days cause i just said..listen, would you mind if i drove you home right now cause i don't think i'm going to be able to sleep with someone in the house. he protested but i wouldn't give in so i got him the hell outta here.

i can only believe that it was the universe saying..hey girl you know better than to be pulling this bullsh*t now..bam!!!! it will be a long time before i have sex with a total stranger again. f*ck..nothing is worth that cr*p. i'd sooner masturbate.

now i gotta deal with blowing the guy off online gently cause he knows where the f*ck i live.

masters lil slutty grl

i've deleted the sluttygrl group site. not sure i know how to explain why. cause it no longer serves any useful purpose? cause if anyone i knew found it i'd be mortified? cause it just encourages me to act out sexually? cause i have better and healthier ways to spend my time? all of the above?

it wasn't exactly easy to do but i was ready to do it..obviously or i wouldn't have done it.

I should just clarify something i said before... it's my sponsor who believes i need to abstain from sex for at least a year and never go near BDSM again. It's my counselor who tells me i should stay away from Dominant men. However, she also believes that if i found myself in a healthy, loving relationship there were be nothing wrong with someone indulging me in what i prefer sexually.

My counselor thinks i am too submissive in all areas of my life... not just sexually..to be with someone Dominant. I think she believes it is just too risky for someone like me..too confusing to sort out what is abuse and what is BDSM. It's rather ironic that someone could be too submissive to be involved in D/s. D/s meaning something more 24/7, TPE, Master/slave type stuff.

I tried the Master/slave thing for about 2 weeks a few months back..it wasn't bad till he asked me to cook..to which i basically said f*ck that and told him i was done..

I don't know if she's right or not but i do think it's highly unlikely, judging from the last year, that i would find someone sanely Dominant as MDS put it living in the same city as me.

By the time i realised my psycho exbf had an anger problem i was in way too deep to get out. If things hadn't happened exactly the way they did i would still be with him today. I couldn't have stayed away. Hell i had trouble staying away when there was a restraining order against him and i was supposed to be reconciling with my kid's father. It's taken me two years to be able to say no when he emails me with wanna f*ck?
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Sure, I would say the majority of people I have run across in the BDSM community are damaged goods

I've heard that from pretty well everyone i've talked to for more than ten years now. They used to tell me how normal i was compared to the other submissive women they'd met. I believed them and I didn't think there was anything wrong with me..ha!! I suspect i didn't look f*cked up because i was too addicted to drugs and online and sex in general to get obsessive about one man. Plus i was a high functioning addict as they say. What a shock two years ago to realise i WAS one of the f*cked up ones.

Do they have an established set of kinks and desires that aside from some subtle deviations do not change, or are they continually chasing more and more extreme bahvior?

I think i was starting to buy into the idea that permeates much of the BDSM community that you're just pretending/faking it if you're not into the more extreme end of BDSM such as Master/slave.. and i mean real 24/7 Master/slave sh*t not just role playing. I think there was a certain high/pride associated with having next to no limits. I would be whatever someone wanted me to be. The more things i'd consider okay to participate in the better i felt.

After awhile though..i dunno..it started to feel wrong. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then one day i woke up and i knew i needed to find someone that matched me and not try to be something i wasn't to match someone else. It was like having a weight lifted off me as they say.

I remember talking to one of my best 12 step friends one day, i was trying to explain something and wasn't sure if i was getting it right. I finished what i was trying to say and she stops what she was doing and turns to look at me and says.. I know!! I know just what you mean!! It's like you want to be the best sex they ever had, there's nothing you won't do, you wanna blow their mind and make it so they never forget you..so they never have sex that good again!! LOL That was exactly what i was trying to say but i don't think i really wanted it to come out quite like that. She's so cute..she's so honest..she blows me away sometimes. But really..think about it..how horrible is that to want to do to someone..to want to have this amazing no limits sex with someone so they're f*cked for the rest of their lives trying to find it again. It sounds all good at first..but really..it's totally f*cked up.

That's what i did to psycho exbf the last few days we were together. I wasn't really doing it for the reasons i said above. Or maybe i was. I dunno..but i will guarantee he will never have a blowjob that good again if he lives to be a hundred....