i'm still seeing the bf. dunno what to say about that really..not the next great love of my life i'm thinking but then i believe i thought the same thing about psycho exbf at first.
so anyway i'm having normal vanilla sex with him. i dunno what's going on in my head. i'm still having sex with my eyes closed. it's like how i somehow keep my distance. when it's gratuitous sex it keeps anyone from seeing how i feel and i don't have to see someone who doesn't give a sh*t about me f*cking me. when it's someone that cares i don't wanna see that either cause the feelings are not mutual.
still the couple times i've opened my eyes for one or two seconds with bf it has been really weird to see him watching me and it looks to me like he cares..but wtf do i know. i don't wanna see it anyway.
i was alone saturday nite..just the way things turned out..or was it friday? whatever..i was alone one of those nights and ran into my 18yr old friend online. he asked if i wanted to get together and i thought wtf..why not. i told him if he was okay with a regular vanilla f*ck then i'd be kewl with that. not that it would be anything but vanilla but i just wanted him to know i wasn't doing the whole strap on f*ck him up the ass routine.
he's a nice kid. little weird being with someone as submissive as me. he's much more comfortable with that role anyway and so of course much prefers it. he makes virtually no moves at all..it's all up to me. it was weird. we kissed for a long time..long compared to what is the norm lately anyway. it reminded me of being with psycho exbf. it was all so gentle and unhurried.
he asked me to suck him for awhile and i did then asked if it was okay if i f*cked him. it seemed so weird to hear him say of course. LOL... i'm just not used to hearing that. g*d for someone to actually go along with what i want..amazing these days.
i sat on him for awhile and f*cked him. i don't know how long i did that before the urge to cry became hard to squash. i dunno..i think it just all felt too much like it was with psycho exbf..all too gentle and loving and slow and i started crying. he couldn't tell..i tried to hide it. g*d i haven't done that for probably two years now.
i asked him to f*ck me and he did. he laid on top of me after for a long time while i gently rubbed his back..it's a habit we got into. i used to like it early on cause everyone else i slept with was in and out and gone..which eventually i came to prefer with most of the guys i was f*cking.
i started to cry again after awhile. i don't know why now. the first few times i had sex with other men after psycho exbf i cried. i'd been split from him for at least 6mos before i had sex with anyone else and when i did i cried. the first time i totally lost it the second the guy touched me. thank g*d he was young and f*cked up and was really nice about it. the next guy was a bit of a friend and so understood. it felt..g*d it just felt so horrible..i didn't want to be having sex with anyone else..i wanted him. i still want him.
i was thinking about him when i was kissing the 18yr old. i remember how that whole crying thing got started now. i was thinking about psycho exbf and it was turning me on. no one has turned me on that much since him. it didn't even have to be kinky or weird sh*t..just kissing him made me soaking wet.
one of my best friends in my 12 step said to me tonight..i don't know if i'm even capable of falling in love with anyone anymore and i thought no me neither.
it ain't likely to happen while i'm taking money for sex and sleeping with 3 guys within 3 days. still that beats 3 in 24hrs like i used to do.
Add sex and music and we're definately in heaven..or would that be hell? hmm..what was that you called them?..the something five?
