...How do you go on...

How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back.
There are some things that time cannot mend.
Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.

Frodo Baggins-LOR3

We watched all three LOR's this weekend..two yesterday and The Return of the King tonight. It always f*cks me up a bit. I had dream after dream about psycho exbf last night. LOR's makes me think of him..obviously. It's that whole Arwen/Aragorn thing they got goin on. He was the only man i felt really connected to. Nothing like being tied to a bed and beaten to really connect you to someone..ha!! :P( not consensual BDSM sh*t FYI )

When i first left exbf i can remember watching LOR2. I couldn't get through the whole thing without having to leave the room. It feels good to know i'm not that bad anymore. I can remember being so glad that Arwen had left Aragorn. Stupid eh? To relate to a movie like that..but i felt like he'd kept a piece of me when i left and would always have it. Now i tend to believe it will take meeting and falling in love with someone else to truly get over it. A tiny bit of me believes there will always be this little sad place inside me over him.

G*d i was glad i was in a better place by the time LOR3 came out and Arwen came back..lol. Man i was some f*cked up there for awhile..no sh*t..i woulda taken LOR3 as a sign from G*d i should be back with him. I suppose it's small consolation to know he also will always be a little f*cked up for having been with me even if it is only because abusive relationships have an intensity that is hard to find elsewhere.

There is just something about a man who's only fear in life is losing you. As for anything else..he'll take on anyone that even looks at you funny. Which realistically can be scary cause he'd go after my friends and family..anyone that hurt me..he didn't care who they were and i had no control over him once he decided to take care of it. Still it's an attractive trait to someone like me who's allowed people to hurt me for as long as i can remember. I think that whole bad boy thing has nothing to do with a guy being bad..it's about them seeming like they aren't scared of anything and it appeals to that "protect me" thing alot of women have going on. Course, as i've said at least once before, that only works till he starts beating on you too and you need protecting from him more than anyone.

"Too often people look at a mistake or a setback as some sort of an indicator that they're not going to be able to do it."

i start thinking i haven't changed at all..especially when some of what i'm doing seems worse than anything i've done in the past. it makes me think not only have i not changed but that i'm going backwards. takes a good kick to get me back on track again. i had 3 or 4 in less than 24hrs so i'm good now..
-----------------

That isn't it at all. It just means we're human, and dealing with incredibly difficult obstacles.

You didn't fit in at SA..so like did you fit in somewhere else cause you sure got this recovery stuff down good.. my G*d you sound as good as my sponsor and she's got like 25 plus years.
-----------------

Look at your partners, and figure out who really likes being with you, and who doesn't give a crap and is just using you. Now look within yourself and ask if you're willing to take that sh*t.

i need that tattooed on me..no i need that on the ceiling of my bedroom..yea that's it.

it never ceases to amaze me how complicated addicts make things. it really is that simple isn't it? but then if you've never had normal it's hard to know what crap is. it's only in the last month i've been with someone "normal" and i can feel the difference. i understand what everyone is talking about now. i'm bored as sh*t but it still feels better than what i was doing.

my sponsor has told me if i can't abstain then stick with the bf. both sponsor and counselor say they don't care how friggin bored i am with normal guys..i still gotta do normal.

one of the girls i know that was in a very abusive relationship and now helps run an online support board has this as her signature..

"I am a Goddess, and goddesses don't trifle with sh**heads"

hehe..i love that..makes me smile everytime i see it.

She knows because we're ALWAYS doing sh*t we shouldn't be. Or we're thinking about it, or planning it, or finishing it.

oh that's right.. doh!!
-----------------------------

My biggest problem with sex addiction has been people not taking it seriously.

my biggest problem is no one sees it as a problem..well except my counselor and my sponsor and my true friends. i suppose that's the same thing as people not taking it seriously. the second problem is most want to take advantage of my sex addiction. not that i can really blame them i suppose. it's the ones that encourage me that truly frighten me..encourage me to have as many partners as possible..encourage me to take money..try to make me believe there is nothing wrong with it..that sort of thing.
-----------------------------

"Every guy's fantasy is my nightmare".

i like that MDS. pretty well says it all and in so few words.
-----------------------------

I think for me the big wake up call was sitting down and writing down the names of every girl I had fu*ked over the past year, the ones I could remember.

i did that as part of my step 4 and 5. i think what hit me the hardest was facing the fact most people can count on one maybe two hands how many people they have slept with. i can't remember all the men i've slept with. every once in awhile something will remind me of someone i forgot to put on my list and i'll think omg not another one. i'm guessing it's somewhere between 50 and a 100. most of those being in the last year i'd say.
-----------------------------

The good thing about hitting bottom, is that although the climb out is steep, at least you're getting out.

i thought i was getting out. i've hit some new lows just recently though that's thrown me off a bit.

the powers of the universe

i tell ya..you'd better be real careful before you start asking the powers of the universe to help you out..cause they just f*cking might and they won't ever go away once you invite them into your life.

it's been a few years now since i lay in bed day after day praying to whoever was listening to please help me. i don't remember ever doing that cause i was involved in sh*t that i figured made null and void any previous agreement some higher power had to help me. in fact, i thought it best to just keep a very low profile when it came to higher powers. the less attention i attracted the better.

.....but.....there came that day that i suppose comes for most people that decide they're not going to live by all the rules normal people live by. f*ck the rules..f*ck morals..f*ck ethics and integrity..lets just do what i want to do when i want to do it with whoever i want to do it with if it feels good. sex, drugs and rocknroll..yeeehaa.

my decisions resulted in having to live through three months of absolute hell. nothing i've gone through and nothing i will ever go through will be as bad as those three months as long as nothing ever happens to my kids. although, there were months to follow in the next year or two that came damn close.

it's hard to believe that anyone can end up in a place so low that you turn to a G*d that you've chosen not to believe in for years, chosen to pretend doesn't exist in the hopes that if there is a G*d he won't notice you cause you're breaking all the rules.

...and i'm not talking about rules rules..i'm talking about lying and cheating so many times that there's just nothing left you..there's nothing you wouldn't do or haven't done.

i prayed and i prayed for someone..anyone to get me out of the HELL i'd created. i didn't care how or why or what..just get me the f*ck out of this mess..PLEEEASE.

it started out very slowly and small..and gradually became bigger and more apparent until somethings were unmistakably the work of something bigger than myself.

all these months i've been writing this sh*t.. why now does someone start making comments that shake me up? why tonight did my sponsor email me for the first time in the two years i've known her? why did i get kicked off the personal's site i was hanging on for inappropriate behavior?

maybe it's nothing..maybe it's just coincidence. i don't know. i don't think so. i think help comes when you are ready to take it. i don't need the same help i did a few years ago. i already have the people, the support and the skills i need to make it..now i just need leading back occasionally to the path i was on when things were working for me and i was getting healthier. most people say insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.....i say insanity is knowing what works and trying something else.

i took one huge f*cking detour this time. i hope this is the end to it.

f*ck if you could read what my sponsor just emailed me you'd think she could read my f*cking mind and had recording devices planted throughout my home. it's f*cking
freaky.

i just remembered i prayed about the whole sex thing last night. j*sus that was a quick response.

..... You are not the woman your were when I met you and I have seen lots of progress. So remember that when you are doing things you should not be doing because you deserve so much more. .....

my sponsor

how the f*ck does she know i've been doin sh*t i shouldn't be doin???

i thought i was okay till someone poked me and i started crying..

poked meaning take your finger and stick it in my arm for those of you wondering. it's a little thing one of my friends says sometimes..

i'd be sitting outside a meeting with one of my best friends while she had a smoke and the obligatory "how're you doing" would be exchanged to which i'd respond by bursting out crying..two seconds later i'd be laughing and telling her i thought i was fine until she asked..

honest to G*d i dunno how many times that's happened to me over the last couple years. i think i'm fine until someone says something seemingly harmless and i break out crying like i've just been told my dog died.

as a result one of my guy friends is always saying something like..oh sure you're fine as long as no one pokes you. something like that.

i guess someone just poked me.

i almost missed mydamnself's one comment. i've never bothered going back and checking comments on old posts on this blog but i caught this one and now i can't stop crying.

i dunno..

i've known some of the sex sh*t wasn't right. it's one thing to f*ck around in early recovery cause you're too sick to do anything else but i've got some time in now and what i'm doing is going to take me downhill very fast if i continue.

i've spilled my sh*t at meetings, to my sponsor, to my bestfriend's in the program and even my bestfriend outside the program but you think i'm gonna say anything about taking money for sex? not a chance. if that doesn't tell me it's not right nothing will.

i've been brutally honest to my friends. i've had nothing to hide, nothing i felt i had to hide..until now.

it's one thing to be a whore while you're using and f*cked up but to start doing it after is an entirely different thing..i think.

i dunno..i'm not stupid..i know it's going to f*ck me up but i just buried my head in the sand cause i wanted the money really badly. G*d it was so damn f*cking easy and so much money for doing so little. that's the problem when you've been abused..you have this belief in your head that you been through worse what's a little more and f*ck they're even paying you to be abused.

i dunno how i thought i was going to continue getting healthy with all that sh*t in the background. i guess i thought i could live two seperate lives like i always have.

i'm still seeing bf. can you imagine what he'd think if he knew i'd slept with someone for money while i was seeing him? for normal people it's just unthinkable.

the other thing that's been lurking around my head lately is the company i've been keeping. i have this hard and fast rule..i don't hang out with druggies or drunks or smokers..cause guess what? if i do i'm gonna be using again. i know this..f*ck i've said it over and over again in meetings..if i hang with druggies i'll be a druggie. maybe not at first..maybe it will take a few weeks or a few months..but eventually i'll give in and say f*ck it. well i been hanging with people that think it's okay to whore women out. it turns them on. guess what i've been doing?

it's amazing how quickly i've gone from being "normal" online and having good boundaries to this insanity. i got a friend paying me for vid sex..a guy paying me for real sex. j*sus chr*st i never would have guessed this is where i'd end up. and for me..the quick, easy money may as well be f*cking crack. i don't do it cause it turns me on like so many people think. i do it cause i don't give a sh*t about myself or what you do to me and i sure as hell don't give a sh*t about you. so if you say you're gonna pay me to hit me and f*ck me up the ass what the f*ck do i care as long as you leave me a couple hundred bucks. hell i been doing it for free why not get paid for it. it's all f*cking bullsh*t anyway.

it all gets so mixed up in my head. at first i can't even have sex with anyone else cause it's not my psycho ex. then i'm crying when i have sex with other men. then i'm having sex with just about anybody cause i don't give a sh*t anymore. i guess. i dunno.

why have i puked up everything i ate the last 6 days straight? i haven't done that in probably two years..not EVERY nite for 6 nites in a row. it's usually sporadic. what does that tell me? something is f*cked. something ain't workin for me.

spending time with bf may be boring as all f*cking hell but at least it's real and it's sane. i just wish i could feel something for him.

mlsg on yahoo

well i'm really not sure whether i will continue using my mlsg account on yahoo. the few people i'm friends with..G*d only knows how i actually became friends with a nick like that..the few people i am friends with i already talk with else where.....the rest..well most wouldn't care if i disappeared off the face of the earth..and the others make endless unrealistic demands of me calling me all sorts of unpleasant names or making accusations when i don't get on my knees for them.

before i forget to mention there are two or three that are nice and i'm going to try and remember who they are so i can keep in touch with them.

it's just all so ridiculous..calling me a fake because i won't immediately drop my life and kids and all responsibilities to help them get off. i mean really..for f*cks sake when will people realise this is just online. what works for me in real life doesn't necessarily work for me online. that doesn't mean i lie here. i don't. i'm as honest as i can be while maintaining some degree of anonymity.

the scary thing is i've met people in 3D ( real life ) who expect the same of me..drop everything..my kids..my studies..my workouts..drop it all to take care of their needs. hey if that's what you are looking for then good luck to you..but in that case you are not what i'm looking for and neither am i what you are looking for. calling me names is not going to make me into what you want. i'm not an ignorant, immature, unintelligent doormat. i have a life and kids and goals and intelligence along with a decent education..and two years of high end counseling to boot. oh and let's not forget a kick ass sponsor who's been where i've been and knows what this sh*t is all about.

it's gonna take one hell of a guy to get through all that cr*p or maybe just a really nice mentally/emotionally healthy one. who knows. i just know i'm sick of the online insanity. hell i'm not even sick of it..i am gone if i even get a whiff of that type of stupidity these days. i'm not going to sit around and be verbally abused by some idiot who seems to think he knows everything there is to know about me from seeing my c*nt half a dozen times. f*ck grow up.

.....and lets not forget to mention that unfortunately most of the people that read this stuff are my friends and are not the particular people i'm writing about now.